Ahhhh, the new year! A time filled with hope, excitement and optimism. A time to make new year’s resolutions that will be blatantly disregarded by mid-February. But most important, it’s a time for a new slice of man meat to judge/make out with women half his age in hopes of finding love and a minimum of 500k new followers on Instagram. By popular demand I have decided to revamp and blog my way through another electrifying season of The Bachelor. And by popular demand I mean there were, like, four people who reached out, but hell that’s all my ego needed! So strap in, grab some wine and maybe even a couple Adderall to keep you awake because this premiere was anti-climactic AF.
This season’s Bachelor is Arie Luyendyk Jr. Allegedly his last name is pronounced “Lion-dyke” but that is too comical to be real/I 100% think they’re making that up. If you’re thinking “I’m sorry, who the f*ck is Arie and why is he the Bachelor?” you are not alone. In fact, just by looking at this promo clip it seems like he has no idea who he is/where he is/why he’s doing this/what he’s supposed to do with his hands…
Since his last name starts with “Lu” and no one knows who the hell he is, going forward he shall be referred to as Arie Lu-who of Whoville.
The most interesting thing about Arie is that he lives in Scottsdale, which is where I also reside. Back in 2015 I remember seeing a social media promotion about him making an appearance at Mint on a Tuesday night. Anyone with knowledge of Old Town will understand how obscure that is.
The episode begins with some flashbacks. Arie was a contestant on Emily Maynard’s season back in 2012 when Instagram and Twitter (and most the girls he’s about to date) were just babies. Regardless of how much he shoved his tongue down Emily’s throat or poured his heart out by letting her read his diary, he ultimately was dumped in a rainforest and became the runner-up to a dude named Jef, spelt with only one F. Tough loss.
Today, Arie a real estate agent slash race car driver, which producers will make damn sure you don’t forget by gluing a helmet to his hand and including an insufferable amount of racing-themed innuendos. Even though he is 36 and has the salt-and-pepper-but-mostly-salt-hair going on, he is surprisingly NOT the oldest Bachelor of all time. That award goes to last season’s douche canoe extraordinaire Nick Viall who, not surprisingly, is on the market once again since his engagement to Vanessa ended after a solid 5 months. That being said, I’m starting the campaign now – #NickViall2020 #85thtimesacharm.
Arie says to the cameras that he hasn’t loved anyone since Emily, which seems a tad far-fetched considering he was allegedly dating a girl for over a year shortly before becoming the Bachelor. But I’m sure it was just a misunderstanding where he thought they were just casually talking, while she thought they were in a relationship because they were intimate, hung out all the time (including holidays) and met each other’s friends and families. Bitches just be crazy jumping to conclusions these days, right Ar?
No direct shade to Arie. Literally 85% of the people who go on this show do the same thing.
After a 15-minute long recap attempting to solidify Arie Lu-Who’s relevancy, we finally get to the bread and butter…
Chris Harrison greets Arie in the driveway of the Bachelor mansion. CBH laughs and tells him, “You’re so lucky Peter and Dean were such commitment-phobic, f*ccbois or you would NOT be here right now! That being said, let’s meet your sister wives.”
The following are ladies who had hometown video introductions. I also included their limo entrances.
Chelsea – a 29-yo single mother from Maine. Actual quote from her video montage – “Being a single mom is not easy, it’s not always fun, and it’s definitely not glamorous. It’s love/hate sometimes…” She seems like a treat. When she gets out the limo all she does is give Arie a smoldering stare down and says, “There’s a lot to get to know, so I’ll see you inside.” Mad props to her for selling not disclosing having a kid as sexy and mysterious.
Caroline – 26-yo real estate agent from Florida. Actual quote from her video montage, “I haven’t been doing real estate for even a year yet and I’ve sold over $5 million in property, so I’m really good at my job.” Caroline, sit down, be humble. She is also wearing a rather scandalous bodycon dress to show a house that most normal humans would wear to a nightclub. She was the first woman to step out of the limo and she wore a white dress to give Arie a glimpse of how hot she’d look on their wedding day (I assume). She also gave a pickup line about how she hopes that at the end of the show they’ll both be off-the-market. GET IT? BECAUSE THEY ARE BOTH RELATORS!
Maquel – 23-yo photographer from Utah who, like Arie, has a made up name. Actual quote from her video montage, “I remember watching Arie during Emily’s season and really liking him,” which is great considering at that time he was 30 and she was 16. Maquel pulled up to the mansion in a race car then gracefully popped out in a full length cobalt blue gown and shook her hair out of a helmet like Rapunzel. She puts other female racing icons like Danica Patrick, Princess Peach and Lindsay Lohan in Herbie Fully Loaded to shame. I hope she wins just so I can hear a priest attempt to say, “I now pronounce you Arie and Maquel Luyendyk Jr.”
Tia – 26-yo southern bell from Weiner, AK. Apparently Raven was such a big hit last year that casting her BFF was a no brainer (way to think outside the box, ABC). Actual quote from her dad during her video montage, “He races cars? Well at least he has a job!” which I take as a not so subtle dig on Nick Viall. I’m a big fan of Papa T. When Tia gets out of the limo she hands Arie a small wieny whistle (because she’s from Weiner, duh) and begs him, “Please don’t tell me you already have a little wiener?” Niiiiice.
Kendall – crazy taxidermy hoarder from Los Angeles. Actual quote from her video montage, “I’ve never had a boyfriend for over a year, but with taxidermy I can keep things forever.” She also plays ukele in a tree while singing to a stuffed seal about love. She’s an actual insane person and I am stoked about her.
Bekah pronounced Be-CAAAAWWWWW – a 22-yo nanny from LA. If Peter Pan and Halsey had a baby it’d be her (the fact she wore a green tinker bell dress the first night only further solidified this observation). She drove up to the mansion in an old school Mustang convertible, which made the rest of the women in the house very intimidated/petty. She then told Arie, “I might be young, but I can still appreciate a classic.” As she walked away Arie literally shook his head and mumbled “She is so beautiful,” so we can all safely assume she made a great first impression. My first impression is leaning towards that she has the energy and personality of a Yorkshire Terrier.
Krystal – an online fitness coach from San Diego. Her video montage reveals she’s one of those girls who sets up a tripod on the beach and records herself doing jumping squats in the sand for social media. She looks like Christina Applegate and has a voice that is both raspy and baby-ish. Think 2009 Kim Kardashian after smoking 2 packs of cigarettes, that’s what she sounds like. When she gets out the limo she takes a moment to pat down her red dress, look up at the sky and deeply inhale, which was 100% a dramatic ploy to force Arie to drink her in. She then makes him close his eyes, put his hands on his heart and to “feel grateful and ready for the adventure to begin.” I loathe her. I don’t care if she likes to feed the homeless. If I came across her on Mission Beach I would 10/10 kick over her tripod.
The rest of these ladies had no video montages. Their introduction was solely the limo entrance. In the interest of saving time I’m only including the ones I find most entertaining…
Bibiana – told Arie, “You have my heart racing,” supes original, Bibs. In her interview after meeting him she swoons about his eye color and says, “It’s hard to not think about our babies having blue eyes,” which is a totally normal thing to say out loud after meeting someone for 10 seconds.
Bri – got out of the limo, screamed “think fast” and pelted a softball at Arie while wearing a low cut, embroidered blush evening gown. She raves about how impressed she is that he can catch a ball and he remarks on how impressed he is that she can fast pitch without her tits falling out.
Valerie – this girl rolled out of the limo with purple hair and a bright yellow dress. Neither style choice would be ideal on their own, together it’s a damn mess. That being said, she has pretty features and while the other girls entered the house they showed footage of her nervously chugging champagne, so she seems like a good time.
Brittane J. – Opens with, “They say you’re not supposed to put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari, but why not an Arie!” then promptly slaps a bumper sticker on his ass. I cringe.
Becca K. – Makes Arie get down on one knee and propose to her. Perfect I guess this show is over! …dammit they’re still going
Amber – owns a spray tanning business. Tells Arie that in her line of work she has seen a lot of dicks and she hopes he isn’t one. She might (definitely) be my new favorite.
Annaliese – Comes out of the limo wearing a black mask and carrying a burlap sack. Apparently she isn’t the Hamburglar, she’s a “kissing bandit” which is an ode to Arie because he has a reputation for being a good kisser. Arie’s pissed because he was really craving a Big Mac.
There were also 4 Laurens who came out of the same limo. None of them were standouts, but just the fact ABC did that sh*t is hilarious.
Cocktail Hour Highlights
After all 29 girls have made their respected entrances and crammed themselves at the mansion’s open bar, Arie joins them in the living room. He says “Ladies, thank you so much for being here I…” then Chelsea immediately snags him away. Momma bear is clearly not here to f*ck around. She sits him down and snowballs off her introduction, continuing to convey she’s a very mysterious person. Maybe her approach is that if Arie thinks she’s a serial killer than maybe when he finds out she has a child it won’t be as bad in comparison? Time will only tell. Chelsea is then interrupted by SpeedRacer Rapunzel aka Maquel, which she allows, but not without talking plenty of crap about how that b*tch stole her man. Everyone else in the house is like, “um yeah, that’s kind of how this show works, psycho.”
Back in the driveway of the mansion, we discover Brittany T. brought Big Wheels with her. “They are my nephews. I stole them from my sister’s backyard late last night. It’s all in the name of love, so I hope they understand.” She challenges Arie to a friendly race and bets that if she beats him that he has to kiss her. In response, Arie literally pushes her car over the finish line so she wins and they can make out. Chelsea sees this and starts talking sh*t again. She’s wears the Petty Boots in the house with pride.
In an unforseeable power move, one of the several Lauren’s makes Arie close his eyes and guess what fruit she puts in his mouth. He responds, “Pineapple,” and she’s like, “Correct. That’s also my safe word.” Someone has been reading too much 50 Shades of Grey. Calm down, Anastasia Steele.
Jenny gifts Arie a portrait she drew of him that he immediately threw into the jacuzzi when she walked away.
Jessica tells Arie that her deceased father was some kind of sports reporter and had actually met Arie at a racing event. She made sure that Arie knew that her dad liked him a lot and it meant the world to her…no pressure at all.
Chelsea decides to steal Arie for a second time. She still doesn’t tell him she has a son, but she does swap spit with him.
Be-CAWWW sat with Arie in the back of the convertible and asked him what excited him, to which he responded with “Pizza and excitement.” Seriously, who the f*ck invited this guy?
As the morning sun begins to peak through the mansion windows, Chris Harrison arrives to summon everyone to the slaughter barn.
Goes as follows –
Chelsea – first impression rose because she’s the absolute worst. Still hasn’t said she has a kid, still petty AF.
Becca K. – forced proposal. Arie’s into it.
Kendall – Taxidermy hoarder and serenader.
Lauren 1 – sticks and stones may break her bones, but chains and whips excite her…until she says pineapple
Krystal – Squats on the beach
Bekah (BE-CAWWW) – Halsey Pan
Lauren 2 – Irrelevant
Seinne – Irrelevant
Caroline – She’s really good at her job
Brittany T. – Big Wheels
Bibiana – Wants all the blue eyed babies
Annaliese – not the hamburglar
Jenna – Irrelevant
Valerie – Bachelor goes Punk Vol. 3
Jacqueline – Irrelevant
Jenny – the one who drew Arie a portrait, *hopefully, to be later revealed, from prison**
Lauren 3 – Irrelevant
Ashley – Irrelevant
Tia – because Raven and the state of Arkansas will kill Arie if he doesn’t keep her around
Maquel – Speed Racer Rapunzel
The rejects who did not receive a rose were forced out of the mansion at 7 AM, like an over-glorified walk of shame. Many tears were shed, mostly because the buzz was wearing off and they were coming to the realization they had to go home and explain to their family and co-workers that they were booted night one off the Bachelor.
Night 1 is in the books. Make sure to check back to read future recaps!
until next time,