Alright folks, we are cutting it down to the wire here! Week 6 is the last episode before hometowns so there’s a lot on the table. These brother husbands want to take Big Rach to meet their mom, dad and/or wizard (I’m looking at you Dean-o).
WELCOME TO GENOVIA GENEVA
Rachel’s European tour continues onward to Geneva, Switzerland. Full disclosure I definitely had to use Google to find out where the f*ck Geneva is and if the current heir to the throne was Princess Amelia Mignonette Grimaldi Thermopolis Renaldi. Spoiler alert: she isn’t. Is it just me or does this season have some of the most boring destinations of all time? Do better, try harder ABC.
The six dudes left standing are Bryan, Peter, Daddy Dean, Eric, Adam and Matt. I think all of us collectively think “who the hell are these dudes?” every time Adam and Matt come onto the screen. Like neither have had a one-on-one date or been involved in drama. On top of that we haven’t even seen them with their shirts off, so why are they still here?! The bros are sitting around the common room of their hotel when Rachel walks in. She tells the men that there will be no rose ceremony this week, instead there will be three one-on-one dates and one three-on-one date. During the three-on-one two men will be sent home. By doing this she is basically saying, “I am definitely vibing with 3 of you and want to meet your families. The other 3, eh, I’m pretty so-so. Please don’t take it personally, but probably take it personally.” I think Chris Harrison has had a collective 3.5 minutes of airtime this season and I am not pleased. Like he has one job and that is rose ceremonies, so give us a damn rose ceremony. That being said I have a blog about The Bachelorette and my one job is posting recaps and I am behind like 3 episodes…so I guess I’m in no place to criticize, but I will anyways. Rachel says the first one-on-one begins right now and tells Bryan to go put on something nice. Translation: “If you wear a zip up hoodie, high water jeans and tennis shoes again I will kill you.” Bryan then walks through a door which I assume goes to the wardrobe from Beauty and the Beast because in 5 seconds he pops out in a suit looking dapper. Could you imagine if a Bachelor did the same thing to one of his contestants? She’d be in there for like 2 hours touching up her hair and makeup only ruin it all when she starts sobbing hysterically because she can’t decide what to wear. I hate men.
ONE-ON-ONE WITH BRYAN
Bryan just got a one-on-one last week, but Rachel’s mouth is feeling a little dry and the only cure is a prescription of Dr. B’s saliva being slathered into every crevice of her mouth. Yeah, I know how disgusting/horrifying that description is, but if you’ve seen these two macking in HD you know it’s accurate. The pair walk through the streets of Geneva and they stumble upon a conveniently parked Bentley convertible. Bryan’s inner Miami douche bag starts drooling, “No way?!” Rachel, “Yep you’re driving it!” They go on a very boring drive through Geneva and Rachel goes on a rant about how it’s a luxurious city so she’s going to treat her man to a luxurious date. I roll my eyes because it looks like every other European town ever. I am not convinced nor impressed.
Meanwhile back at the compound, the other five guys are having a petty party about Bryan having his second one-on-one in 2 weeks. You can tell that a lot of the dudes do not like him and think he’s full of sh*t. I mean probably, but so is everyone else on this show. Also he fondled her boobs while repelling 187 feet in the air, obviously he has an advantage!
Bryan and Rachel’s first stop is at the luxurious Breitling showroom where they try on luxurious Swiss watches. The salesman asks Bryan of he likes the watch he’s trying on to which he responds, “I like black.” Rachel flirtatiously responds, “Oh do you?” Reminder for anyone who might’ve forgotten, Rachel is African-American. Once the liking of black watches and women is established Rachel informs the salesman that she will take a black watch for him and one for her as well. Bryan looks at her in shock. She smiles and says, “I am buying this for you.” Bull sh*t Big Rach, you might be an attorney, but we all know that you ain’t paying for diddly squat on this journey to forced engagement. Bryan can’t control his excitement or raging hormones. He climbs on top of her and dry humps her in the middle of this luxurious store. Luxury.
Rachel says during an interview that it’s imperative for her to get deeper with Bryan on emotional level during dinner, not just how deep his tongue can go down her throat (but let’s be honest that’s imperative too). It’s adorable how she’s trying to act like he isn’t a dead in for the final two. You’re not fooling anyone girl. They talk about how they grew up and Bryan admits that he loved his mother, but she was rather strict. One time when he asked if he could get an earring she put him into private school. I would probably do the same thing, case and point – Anthony who went home two weeks ago #RIP. Rachel discloses that she too went to a private school, to which he responded “Was it all girls? What did your uniform look like?” She laughs and he kinda laughs too, but then is like, “No really I want to imagine what you’d look like in your uniform.” Ick. Woof. Blegh. Gag.
Rachel is still wary as to why Bryan is 37 and single so they take a dive into the past relationships pool. He reveals that his last relationship ended because he brought his girlfriend to Colombia for a wedding and she didn’t get along with his mom, so when they got back from the wedding she broke up with him. Rachel let’s out a long exhale, “So that’s your issue? You have a psychotic mom? Whew, that’s a relief. I thought you were a serial womanizer or something! Here’s your rose.” They then dance to the music of a luxurious four string quartet. And by dance I mean they sway in circles while sucking and licking each other’s face like anteaters . The musicians watch in horror, but play on and refrain from vomiting off the balcony. They’d prefer to be the quartet playing on the Titanic while it sank then to be on this date. Sames.
ONE-ON-ONE WITH DADDY DEAN
The next date card is read and it’s revealed Daddy Dean gets the second one-on-one date. He can feel the tension building in the room as he is the second guy to get his second one-on-one date. Dean looks over at Eric and says, “Don’t punch me in the face.” Dean I wouldn’t be worried about Eric punching you, he’s more likely to strangle you with one of his cashmere scarves from his extensive collection.
Rachel tells Dean to wear his Sunday’s best. They then go to a French Catholic mass even though neither of them are Catholic nor speak French. Good thing mass lasts just a short of 3 hours. I don’t care how #cultured this date is, I WOULD BE LIVID IF I GOT IT.
Obviously Dad-D is also underwhelmed too because after mass he and Rachel sit down at a café to talk and he reverts to a state of catatonia. She tells him she thinks it’s important to ask hard hitting questions in order to really get to know someone else. He responds with, “yeah,” then just blankly stares at her. She leads him with a, “weeeelllll….” and he’s like oh sh*t she wants me to actually talk to her, not just smile and looks pretty. In efforts to get to know Rachel’s soul Dean asks hard hitting stuff like if she believes in the tooth fairy and what’s her favorite dinosaur. Alex Trebek, I am going to go with “What are stupid questions 25-yo fuckboys ask when they don’t really care?” And just like that I won double-Jeopardy.
The two meet up for dinner and Rachel tells Daddy that she’s concerned that something is wrong because he’s not acting like his normal self. Dean tells her that the reason he was acting closed off is because he’s concerned about hometowns since he doesn’t have a normal, nuclear family ever since his mom passed away in high school. He doesn’t go into great detail about where his concerns lie, more he just describes his dad as different and eccentric. Rachel once again sighs in relief, “So that’s your issue? A weird dad? Whew that’s a relief. I thought this wouldn’t work out because I’m seven years your senior and we’re in two very different life stages! Here’s your rose.” Then they hit us with a preview of Dean’s dad who looks like Mike Meyers circa Love Guru. Holy sh*t. can-not-wait to see how that goes down.
ONE-ON-ONE DATE WITH PETER
Peter gets the final one-on-one date, making him the third dude to get a second two-on-one. Which means Adam and Matt who have gotten zero one-on-ones will be going on a three-on-on with Eric who has had a one-on-one. Wow, Rach, really making this one a nail biter aren’t you?
Peter and Rachel go on a helicopter ride deep into the snow capped Swiss alps. Not going to lie it looks cold and miserable AF. I mean yeah the French Catholic mass would be boring, but at least I wouldn’t risk losing my nips to frost bite. Whodathunk that the luxurious date would be the best date this week? Kill me.
The pair go on a mushing date like they’re in Snow Dogs sans Cuba Gooding Jr. They decide to pop a squat right in the middle of fresh powder and talk about their feelings. As they converse through the howling winds and blankets of snow ice begins to form on their faces, turning them into literal human popsicles. I didn’t think it was possible, but Peter might be even sexier with icicles dripping from his salt and pepper hair. He admits to her that there have been moments the past few weeks when he’s questioned why he doesn’t just go home (but then he remembers that he’s an easy forerunner for the next Bachelor which is enough reason for him to stick around). This news is more shocking and troubling to Rachel than the fact they are sitting in 20 feet of snow in clothing that is clearly inappropriate for the f*cking blizzard they’re basking in. Not even joking they’re both wearing pea coats and jeans, they’re going to die out there. Who thought this was a good idea?! This is why other Bachelor and Bachelorettes go to the Caribbean!
Somehow the two survive their date on K2 and make it to dinner. Since the two options so far for these dinners going into hometowns are 1) talk about past relationships or 2) dig into the embarrasing depths of past family trauma, Peter decides to go with route 1). He explains to Rachel that his last girlfriend didn’t meet his family and that nothing ever went wrong, but they just weren’t right for each other. When they decided to end things and he moved his stuff out of her house he recalls looking in his rearview mirror and seeing her crying…he admits still holds a lot of guilt from that. Okay so, let me get this straight… This relationship wasn’t serious enough for her to meet his family, but serious enough that he left enough stuff in her house that he had to move it all out then watch her sob in the reflection of his rearview mirror like a Zach Brown Band song? Red flag-Red flag-RED FLAG! Rachel, again, sighs in relief, “So that’s your issue? You drag women on into believing they’re in a serious relationship with you, but you never fully commit and abandon them because you have unattainable relationship expectations? Whew, that’s a relief. I thought you were a for sure thing, but you’re clearly unsure with your feelings and emotions! Here’s your rose.”
Three-on-one date with Eric, IDK 1 and IDK 2
It’s time for the final date with Eric, Matt minus his penguin suit (aka the only thing we remember him by) and Adam minus Adam Jr. (aka the only thing we remember him by). There’s only one rose up for grabs…let the blood bath commence.
The non-string quartet hop on a boat to France, totally casual. They arrive at a pristine estate with a lush private garden, the perfect scenery to break the hearts of men. I can just imagine Rachel strolling through the garden with one of the dudes and talking about what a strong connection she has with him when suddenly some old man screams from one of the castle windows, “She’s playing you, she said the same thing to the other two dudes! Get the f*ck out of my garden!!!” like the episode of South Park where they parodied Game of Thrones. Alas, there is no old man and/or Chris Harrison screaming profanities at Rachel. Very disappointing. They all sit down at a table and Adam pops of a bottle of champs. “Here’s to Rachel finding true love and getting blacked out on ABC’s dime one last time because these are the only words I’ve spoken the past 6 weeks, so I sure as hell am getting sent home!”
First she sits down with Eric, the moody ass, bitching all the time Scorpio with an affinity for high quality scarves. He tells Rachel about his hard time growing up in Baltimore. If you’re like me and have followed the podcast Serial, and/or seen the docuseries The Keepers, and/or the musical Hairspray, you know that Baltimore can be a pretty f*cked up place. Not only does Eric have intense “mommy never loved me enough” issues, but his father was also a drug dealer. I now feel bad for Eric and have more insight into his overly sensitive soul. Still can’t stand the dude, but I have a better understanding.
Next she sits down with Matt, who for some reason even with an aggressive receding hairline I find very attractive? I did not see that coming… They start talking and it’s just the cliché “I’m so happy to have had this opportunity with you Rachel. I feel very connected with you. Blah blah blah.” Meanwhile the rest of American is like, “Who, what, when, where, why and how?” Rachel then begins crying and tells Matt that out of all the guys she’s dated he’s the one who reminds her the most of herself. Really, Rach? Because this is the first time we’ve seen y’all talk??? She goes on to explain that that have many similarities and she thinks that if they met outside of this competition he might have a shot, but she has at least 5 other dudes with better personalities and hairlines that she’d ratjee have sex with and she doesn’t want to string him along any longer. He takes the L stoically. Rachel walks Matt to the shuttle. He gives her a passionate goodbye kiss then lifts his champagne and says “I’m taking this with me,” and hops into the van, flute of Brut in hand. I found myself actually applauding. Class act. 5 stars. I love you Matt. I’ll date you any day.
Next Rachel sits down to dinner with Eric and Adam. Honestly the only thing I took away from this entire portion was Adam wore a collarless, long-sleeved black shirt with a sport coat over it and it really confused/offended me. I think they both sat down and talk to her, but it was nothing memorable enough for me to care to remember so I’ll just cut straight to it, Eric gets the rose. Adam is sent home. The fate of Aj? I have a feeling we will see him in Paradise.
Get stoked for hometowns!
Until next time. Besos xoxo.