Full disclosure – week 3’s episode of The Bachelorette might’ve been my favorite night of reality TV since Pumpkin spit in New York’s face on Flavor of Love. I didn’t even have to drink 4 glasses of wine to stay entertained, which is a huge feat. I also couldn’t be around alcohol because I was recovering from a 3 day bender in Vegas, buuuut that’s beside the point, let’s recap!
RETURN OF DEMARIO
Last week’s episode left off with douche canoe DeMario trespassing onto the mansion’s premises for another chance to explain his misunderstood and unfortunate situation with his ex-girlfriend (who, to refresh everyone’s memory, was not aware that she was his ex-girlfriend until he showed up on live television trying to elope with Rachel on After the Final Rose). Rachel walks outside to humor DeMario and let him tarnish the little dignity he has left. He says, “One of your mottos was to keep it real and I didn’t keep it real.” Poetic stuff. He apologizes about being a shady liar, while also trying to establish he’s a good guy. It’s pretty evident that if you caught this dude cheating he would get angry at you, tell you it’s your fault, and then a few days later would show up at your front apologizing & sobbing with a tacky promise ring in hand. There’s a special place in hell for manipulative SOBs like DeMario, and I hope that special place in Hell has a protocol set up by Rachel Lindsay. She hears him out then quickly cuts through his bull sh*t, telling him that she appreciates his apology, however she gave him multiple opportunities to fess up to his mistakes, but instead he continuously denied and made excuses. “You were a boy, I’m looking for a man.” Rachel returns to her party of bros who have been anxiously watching from a few steps away, ready to step up for their collective girlfriend if needed. They ask her if he will be returning and she tells them, “Psh, f*ck no.” See you in Paradise, Demario.*
*editor’s note – I wrote this post before the Bachelor in Paradise cancellation. I have a lot of thoughts about this scandal, but will not speak to them at this time. All I can say is my summer is ruined with this announcement. RIP.
The COCKtail night proceeds with Tickle Monster Jonathan talking to Rachel while wearing 3 feet long, BFG hands, further proving that he’s a terrifying individual who I’d never want to get stuck in an elevator with.
Alex, who I am pretty sure is just the young Russian version of Bryan, has an engaging conversation with Rachel while completing a Rubik’s cube. Rachel is impressed by his intelligence. Mr. Worldwide, aka Pretty Pitbull Kenny, continues to pull the “I have a kid” card out at any chance he gets. He shows Rachel photos of his daughter in a scrapbook that he put together using his loving father tears and the blood of his victims in the wrestling ring as adhesive. The party really escalates when Rachel sits down with Whaboom, who at this point is permanently Whaboozed out of his mind 24/7. She talks to him about his feud with Blake and he’s like, “I think he has a crush on me or something. I woke up and he was standing over my bed staring at me, peeling a banana then licking it.” Rachel is like, “I’m sorry, what? Are you joking?” And Whaboom doesn’t even bat an eye, primarily because he’s hammered out of his mind and his eyes are already half closed, but also because he’s dead serious. Rachel decides to get to the bottom of this f*ckery and sits down with Blake, telling him the story Whaboom just told her. Blake scoffs, “Well I can tell you one of those things is definitely not true because I couldn’t have been eating a banana. I can’t eat carbs because I am on a ketogenic diet.” For future reference, if anyone ever tries to accuse me of doing anything I will be discrediting them via the keto diet defense.
Daddy Dean, Peter and Josiah all have roses from last week’s episode. The remaining roses are distributed as follows –
– Bryan, *licks TV
– Bryce, firefighter with barely any screen time
– Eric, one of the ATFR bros, hasn’t seen screen time since
– Anthony, I’ve literally not seen this dude once…
– Tickle Monster, why? For the love of Chris B Harrison…WHY?!
– Jack Stone, still looks like a villain. Barely any screen time.
– Matt, needs Rogaine ASAP
– Alex, Russian version Bryan
– Adam, minus Adam Jr. so I don’t care
– Kenny, aka Pitbull, AKA Mr. Worldwide, AKA Mr. 305. Mujeres
– Brady, the model who, surprise, hasn’t had any screen time
– Lee, the singer guy
– Iggy, still not Azalea
– Fred, creepy camper
– Diggy, the one my roommate likes who, surprise again, hasn’t had any screen time
We are now left with a handful of hotties and bunch of subpar dudes who have said a combined 5 words in the duration of this show #yikes. Whaboom and Blake are not given a rose and have met their fateful end. Blake tells Rachel “this is completely unexpected. It’s just unfortunate I was put in the same category as that drama.” Really? COMPLETELY unexpected Blake? Have you conveniently forgotten that every time you talked to Rachel you talked shit about Whaboom, hence placing yourself directly IN the drama? Ugh he’s the worst.
Whaboom is outside of The Mansion giving his exit interview. He is obviously disappointed, partially because he lost his shot with Rachel but mostly because he no longer has access to the open bar. Blake slowly sneaks up behind Whaboom mid-interview and affectionately puts his arm around his shoulder. Hm ok, I think he might try to make out with him. Blake then gets close to Whaboom’s face and says, “I just wanted to tell you…f*ck you bro, you’re a piece of sh*t.” Not exactly the route I was thinking this was going, but the passion behind his words still gives me a hunch they might make out…
What transpires next is a theatrical showdown that I can only compare to the shouting match between Ron Burgundy and Veronica Corningstone in Anchorman, minus the lynching with the radio antenna (unfortunately). Whaboom and Blake scream at each other like scorned lovers in The Mansion courtyard – criticizing each other’s character and career. At one point, I start screaming at my TV “HONESTLY JUST MAKE OUT ALREADY!” I can’t summarize this fight to a point where I could give it any degree of justice, so I suggest watching the full clip below to experience it in its full glory –
I miss them already.
GROUP DATE 1
This week’s first group date is made up of Brian, Peter, Alex, Fred, Tickle Monster, and Will, they are going to Ellen! As the men walk into the studio Rachel and Ellen DeGeneres analyze them over the security cameras. “See that guy right there, when he got out of the limo he tickled me.” “No. I don’t like that. That’s a horrible thing. Why is he still here?” No one knows, Ellen…no one knows.
Rachel sits down with Ellen for her official interview while the dudes watch backstage. Ellen asks Rachel if she’s kissed any of the men yet, Rachel answers, “yes.” Bryan and Peter smirk while the Ticklemonster says out loud, “maybe it was just kiss on the cheek.” Honestly, who the f*ck brought this guy? Ellen then tells the men to come out to join her and Rachel on stage. She asks them if they’re shocked to find out Rachel has already kissed one of the guys in the house, Bryan leans in on Ellen’s mic and says, “She’s a great kisser.” Another power move by B-ry. Then Peter chimes in, “I second that.” Yaaaas Peter, step up baby! Then Bryan leans back into the mic and says “He got my sloppy seconds.” WOAH, WOAH, WOAH! I mean I love you Bryan, but how dare you disrespect Peter that way. Meanwhile, Rachel stares at the floor awkwardly as her boyfriend’s discuss in front of a live studio audience who shoved their tongue down her throat when. Ellen then tells the men that they’re going to have to dance. Suddenly Alex takes off his shirt, “Pony” begins playing over the speakers and then all the group disperses into the audience, humping everything like they’re in Magic Mike. No surprise Tickle Monster can’t dance worth a shit and Ellen makes fun of him. Bryan literally doesn’t even have to dance, all he does is walk up to the women and they shove bills down his pants because he’s just that sexy. Russian Alex grinds on an 80-year-old woman’s face and I find myself desperately wishing I was her.
Next the bros sit down with Rachel and Ellen for a good old fashion game of “Never Have I Ever” because at week 3 it’s too early to turn off the lights and play, “Who’s in my Mouth?” During NHIE it’s revealed that – Alex and Peter haven’t thought about having sex with Rachel (liars); Alex has peed in the pool at the Mansion (let’s be honest it’s experienced much worse substances); Peter, Will and Alex have all sent nudes (if anyone wants to forward those my email is firstname.lastname@example.org); Fred has hooked up with someone twice his age (no shock there); Fred and Rachel have met before and Rachel points out once again that he was “bad” (and I, once again, feel uncomfortable by their entire situation); and finally, that Rachel has made out with 3 out 6 dudes on this date.
The cocktail party proceeding Ellen was essentially a challenge to the three remaining men who have yet to play tonsil hockey to step up their game. Alex is described by Rachel as the dark horse, and I have to agree with her. Up until this point the man was not on my radar, but after seeing his humor, honesty, and most importantly his gyrating skills in those tight ass pants I am 100% #TeamAlex. He seals the deal during their one-on-one time and goes to mack town with Rachel, which means she has now made out with 75% of the dudes she’s on this date with. Truly an inspiration. Next up is Fred, who has been struggling to get past that whole “you were a piece of sh*t as a child and I’m still judging you,” thing. He takes his time with Rachel to talk about the fact that all of the other guys have kissed her and he wants to make sure when he kisses her it’s at the right time. He then proceeds to ask if now would be a good time to kiss her. Rachel looks at him baffled. He says he doesn’t want her to be uncomfortable and she’s like, “Well, yeah, now it’s awkward because you asked me you weirdo. Most of these dudes just push me up against the wall and call it a day.” He then proceeds to kiss her and you can tell Rachel is not into it. She affirms this moments later when she says in an interview that when she kissed him she felt like she was kissing a “little boy,” Woof. Fred is completely oblivious to this, stating in his interview that he can already picture Rachel in a wedding gown. His hopes for the future are even brighter when Rachel picks up the rose and asks to speak to him in the other room. His hopes are then immediately shot down in flames when she tells him she has to send him home whilst twirling the rose in front of him. Super petty. Camper Fred hops in a limo to GTFOVille and Rachel gives the rose to Alex.
ONE-ON-ONE DATE WITH ANTHONY
I would have loved to been a fly on the wall in the producer meeting where they brainstormed this date. I imagine it went something like this, “Okay guys, we really hit out of the park with Ellen, so let’s come up with the worst date of all time for Anthony since no one knows/cares who the f*ck he is.” “Um. So you know Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills? Why don’t we have them go on a shopping spree, but while riding on horses?” “That’s a terrible idea. Let’s do it!” The horse lieterally sh*t in the middle of a high end boutique, and that was the main highlight. Coming into this date I knew nothing about Anthony, by the end of this date I learned the following – he wears a size 11 shoe and rocks diamond stud earrings like its 2007. Apparently, Rachel is into that sort of thing because he gets a rose.
GROUP DATE 2
The second group date consists of Daddy Dean, Adam, Mr. Worldwide, Bryce, Lee, Jack Stone, Eric and Brady. As they sit in the living room reading the date card Rachel walks in with Raven, Alexis, Corrine and Jasmine. She says that they’ll be accompanying on the group date because they are her BFFs and she wants their opinion on the men, but we all know these girls are just here to eye the man meat that will potentially be joining them in Paradise (#RIP).
The gang loads onto a party bus and proceeds to get star spangled hammered. I’m having flashbacks to fraternity formals. Raven begins to investigate, digging for intel about the guys. Personally, if I were Rachel the last thing I would do is allow my boyfriends to get drunk with Raven while she’s wearing an open back bodysuit, but I assume that most of these dudes are not front runners so she probably DGAFs. Anyways, Raven has multiple people tell her that they have concerns about Eric. A few nights prior Eric was sulking and bitching about Rachel not giving him enough attention and voiced that he felt she’s just playing a game with all these dudes until she finds what she wants. Yes, obviously Eric, that’s the whole point of this f*cking show, but we don’t say it out loud! Iggy overheard Eric essentially talking shit about Rachel’s intentions so he confronted him, then Eric proceeded to go bat sh*t defensive and verbally accost Iggy. A few of the guys saw this interaction as a red flag and disclosed this to Raven. Someone grab a spoon because I have a feeling this pot is about to get stirred.
The bus arrives at a country western bar where we learn that today’s date will entail a mud wrestling competition. Mr. Worldwide is stoked, being that his job is a professional wrestler this date is right up his alley. The rest of men are obviously concerned for their lives, but you know what they say…all is fair in love and mud wrestling. They battle it out in one-on-one elimination as Rachel, Nick’s other ex-girlfriends and a bar full of horny middle-aged women (probably Fred’s ex-girlfriends) look on and scream like wild animals from all the abs and testosterone. Let me just say that a bunch of hot dudes rolling around in Chubbies is the reality TV that I signed up for. I think Alexis Dolphshark is obviously on the same page due to her level of exhibited enthusiasm…
In a surprising turn of events, firefighter Bryce beats out Pretty Boy Kenny the Pitbull and takes home the W. I am excited Bryce won, mostly because I am so sick of Mr. Worldwide, however his aggressive jaw line/smile makes me uncomfortable. My friend Kate says describes him as a Keebler Elf. The men then go hose down while Rachel has some real talk girl talk with her bitches before they head off to Paradise (#RIP). Raven makes two things clear, 1) she 10/10 would bang Dean and 2) a lot of the guys don’t like Eric. Rachel is surprised by this information because Eric is one of her faves.
The guys arrive at the cocktail party, their skin rejuvenated by their recent mud bath. Mr. Worldwide reveals that before he became a shitty professional wrestler (who can’t even win a face off in a dive bar) he was a shitty Chippendale dancer and proceeds to rip off his shirt. Rachel chugs her wine, says “thanks, but no thanks,” and runs away as fast as she can. Rachel then pulls aside Eric who, verbally and non-verbally, conveys his vulnerably whilst wearing a scarf and pea coat. He pours out his insecurities to Rachel, practically begging her to tell him that she has feelings for him. She’s like, “Listen, I like you, but Bryce and Lee told Raven that you were talking shit.” Eric explains his case to Rachel then confronts Bryce and Lee around the campfire. There’s a lot of back and forth. Lee and Bryce both explain to Eric that they’re sorry if they hurt his feelings, but they thought his yelling at Iggy the other night was uncalled for and slightly psychotic, so when asked about their concerns they spoke up. Eric continues to stay livid, particularly at Lee. The tension between the two is palpable.
The night winds down and Rachel gives the date rose to Eric for being uber sensitive. Obviously, she must be pretty into Eric if she is willing to set the precedent that it doesn’t matter what other people say about his questionable behavior, she’ll throw them under the bus then she will happily eat his bullsh*t. This is healthy.
PRE-BROSE CEREMONY COCKTAIL PARTY
The cocktail night begins with only 10 minutes left in the episode, so it’s pretty obvious things are going to go downhill real quick and we will not be getting a rose ceremony for the second time this season. *Insert eye roll here* Iggy not Azalea takes advantage of his one-on-one time with Rachel by telling her firsthand about his confrontation with Eric, since she clearly didn’t get the message coming from Bryce and Lee. Rachel is like, “Sweetie, I understand what happened. What I need you to understand is that I do not give flying f*ck. Hence why I gave him a rose.” She didn’t say that, but it’s implied. Still, no one seems to catch this drift as Lee proceeds to sit down with Rachel and beats the dead horse that is everyone’s concerns about Eric. Rachel is like, “Fine. Whatever. I will talk to him again!” Rachel pulls Eric aside. He is defensive right off the bat and she says that she won’t take his rose away, however, he should know that she’s listening to the other men’s concerns and it’s making her have some reservations. This turns Eric into full blown Mr. Hyde. He calls a meeting with his fellow sister husbands in the living room and yells at them collectively. “Don’t make this about me! Make this about Rachel!” Lee is like, “Um well you’re the one who called this meeting so isn’t that you making this about yourself?” Big Eric no like when Liytle Lee talks back, so he gets louder and reiterates that he’s making a scene because people are talking about him. It’s pretty clear that Eric is an overly passionate, aggressive, impulsive and emotional dude. I assume he’s a water sign, most likely a Scorpio. No one knows how to handle Eric, especially Bryan.
Then we are hit with “To Be Continued…”
This next episode looks like it’s going to be getting preeeeeeeeeeetty dicey. Check back in to get the rundown!
Until next time. Besos XOXO.