Okay folks, week 2 was jam packed with a lot of saliva swapping, special guests, and drama, so let’s jump right into the recap…
The episode begins with Chris B Harrison summoning Rachel’s 300 boyfriends (actually it’s 23 but it feels like 300) so they can all fan girl about how Rachel is the greatest human presence they’ve ever been graced by, even though they’ve spoken to her for about 3 minutes each. Some of the feedback included, “She is striking,” “It’s like she’s smiling right at you,” and “she smells good.” It’s so hard to believe that these guys are still single and had to go on reality TV to find love.
GROUP DATE #1
The first group date includes Daddy Dean, Jack Stone, Tickle Monster, Pretty Boy Pitbull Kenny, Iggy not Azalea, Creepy Camper Fred, Blake the B*tch and Whaboom. Honestly this group of dudes is my actual nightmare. If I were Rachel this date would be inspired by the Hunger Games and the only one who would have access to weapons and tools for survival would be Dean because he’s the only one I would want to make it out.
To my dismay and disappointment the group date was not the Hunger Games. Instead the boys meet Rachel in a field where she is BBQing in a sundress. As she’s flipping the hot dogs over the scorching coals she tells the men, “this is what’s going to happen if any of you ever hurt me.” They then play football and Rachel is QB because 1) she’s a cool girl who doesn’t care if she’s in a dress she can get down, dirty and sporty too, and 2) she had to play since Blake was too busy sulking and complaining on the sidelines about how much Whaboom sucks. Not that he’s wrong because Whaboom does suck, but Blake might actually suck more.
Next Rachel surprises the men with an obstacle course to see if they are husband material. She then casually introduces her boyfriends to Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher. Apparently they are a big fans of The Bachelor franchise and Mila says that once they heard Rachel was going to be the Bachelorette they called the producers and said they wanted to help. Ashton is wearing a shirt that says “Trophy Husband” and is secretly hoping that this is just one of the unforeseen consequences from the Butterfly Effect and he can go home and rewrite the outcome in his journal so this embarrassing cameo never happened.
The Mr Mom obstacle course entails the men carrying baby dolls while completing tasks such as diaper changes, vacuuming, and pouring an entire bottle of Pinot Noir into a Starbucks tumbler before taking the kids to soccer practice. The final two guys left on the obstacle course are Whaboom and Kenny (aka Mr. Worldwide aka the only guy on this show with a real life child), and they have to set a table. Ashton and Mila are helping Kenny set up his table because even though he named himself after sh*tty rapper* and is a “professional” wrestler, they still would rather see him win over the grown man with severe ADHD. As the two men approach the finish line Whaboom stiff arms Kenny, knocking him to the ground. Whaboom wins and I actually find myself rooting for him, mostly because everyone else hates him. Whaboom asks Ashton if he can get a “Whaboom” from him, and Ashton is like, “what the hell is a Whaboom?,” and then Whaboom yells “WHHHHAAAAAAAAABOOM!” And then Ashton just stands their staring at him. You know you’ve hit rock bottom when the man who made a living pranking celebrities while wearing Von Dutch hat is judging you.
*editor’s note – I personally love Pitbull. I believe he has released a lot of bangers over the years and gets a lot of undeserved criticism. Dalé
Later at the cocktail party, Whaboom shows his sensitive side by reading Rachel a horrendous poem and then proceeds to get trashed. Blake E drops a bombshell that someone he knew lived with Whaboom and he knows he’s just there to advance his career. Rachel yawns and is like, “no shit Sherlock.” All the other dudes were so unbearably boring that even Rachel would fast forward through this cocktail party if she had the option to. Right when she’s about to text Ashton to see if he can also Butterfly Effect this group date out of her life, the night turns for the better when Daddy Dean gets his one on one time. He charms the group date rose right out of her hands. She says he’s “the best conversation I had all night,” which is code for, “he’s the prettiest and least annoying bro in this room and I want to make out with him.”
ONE ON ONE DATE WITH PETER
The first one on one date is given to sexy, gap-tooth Peter. As he and Rachel stand on a tarmac about to board a private jet (normal first date things) she takes a serious tone and tells him that she knows this date is supposed to be just the two of them, but she has a friend who just had surgery and she hopes Peter doesn’t mind that she invited this friend to join them. Being a gentleman/not wanting to look like a total dick on national television, Peter tells Rachel he’s totally fine with it. He asks, “is this an ex-boyfriend? Is it Nick Viall here to promote his stupid men’s grooming line, because if so I’m tapping out.” A limo rolls onto to the tarmac, the door pops open and out runs Rachel’s adorable dog Copper wearing a cast. Cue every person in America screaming from the overwhelming cuteness. The trio arrives in Palm Springs and “Who Let the Dogs Out” begins playing in the background. They’re at Barkfest, which is essentially a day club for dogs. I’ve never been more envious of a date in my entire life. Rachel’s ovaries begin to burst as she watches Copper and Peter bond.
Later in the night Peter, Rachel and Copper head to dinner. Copper is dressed to the nines in a black sequins cast. There is an elaborate spread on the table, however they will not be allowed to eat, as is Bach tradition. Peter and Rachel get really deep and personal, discussing their gap teeth for a majority of their date. They also discuss how they’ve both seen love therapists due to some crappy past relationships. Rachel is like, “Did we just become best friends?” Peter, “Yep!” Rachel, “Do you want go practice karate and talk about our trust issues in the garage?” Peter, “Yep!”
Rachel then grabs the date rose off the table and tells Peter that as soon as she met him she wanted to give him the first one-on-one date and he exceeded her expectations. Peter is like “oh wow, really” and just sits there and listens as she continues to tell him that she’s loved spending time with him and she feels hopeful which is big deal for her. There’s a subtle glimpse of terror in Peter’s eyes. He tries to calm himself down by repeating his therapist’s advice in his head that he should not be afraid of love and commitment and that he needs to drink the Bachelorette Koolaid if he wants to make it to the top 3.
He accepts Rachel’s rose and then they both stand up from the dinner table, he goes in for a hug, but she grabs his arms, and pulls herself up to kiss him. It’s probably one of the most awkward kisses I’ve ever had to witness.
They then go out onto a terrace and watch the fireworks. Copper is no where to be seen. I assume he’s off camera freaking out about the pyrotechnics and being comforted by Ben Higgins, because even though he finally freed himself from Lauren he is still contractually obligated to be ABC’s slave for the next 20 years.
GROUP DATE #2
The second group date consisted of Demario, Eric, Josiah, Jamey, Alex, Diggy, Lee, and the receding hair line, I mean Matt, who should consider putting back on his penguin suit. They are going to play basketball. Yay, more sports. Rachel is such a guys girl! She brought in a special guest to help coach, Kareem Abdul Jabar. Because you know being a 19 time NBA Allstar is cool and all, but teaching 7 douche bags how to properly shoot a layup is a much more impressive achievement. A majority of these dudes can’t even run, more or less actually get the ball to go through the net. DeMario is one of the only dudes who actually knows how to play basketball, which he clearly exhibited when he dunked his 6’4″ frame over the 5 foot nothing Rachel. True romance right there.
They divvy up into teams and play for a packed high school auditorium complete with screaming fans, cheerleaders and the poor marching band that had to play with aspiring drummer Blake E in the first episode. I’ve seen better basketball played on an elementary school playground. Once the game is over the bros return to the locker room and Rachel says goodbye to fans and apologizes that they had to sit through that atrocious display of athleticism. A woman with very unfortunate eyebrows sits down with Rachel in the bleachers and tells her that she saw her boyfriend of 7 months get introduced to Rachel on After the Final Rose. “He still has the keys to my apartment. We never broke up, he just disappeared and then I turned on my TV and he was on it.” Who’s the shady bastard she’s referring to? DeMario. Oh, you’re saying that the guy who dragged his balls over a girls head in order to prove he’s good at basketball is an asshole? Whodathunkit. Rachel gets up and pulls DeMario from the locker room. He saunters over to Rachel, obviously feeling confident and thinking he’s about to get some one-on-one time. Little does he know he’s about to walk into a blood bath…
Rachel walks DeMario back into the gymnasium. When he’s sees his ex-girlfriend that he never officially broke up with he says, “who is this?”almost like a real life “new phone who dis?” lol, DeMario, LOL. His girlfriend/ex-girlfriend begins screaming at him for being a lying, deceitful sack of dog poop. Meanwhile, DeMario rolls his eyes and whispers, “This chick is psycho,” to Rachel. “I met her many times ago.” What does that even mean? He then tries to convince Rachel to talk off camera while the ex-girlfriend continues to yell. Rachel tells them that this is her show and they both need to STFU and tell her what’s going on. DeMario continues to down play his relationship with this chick and she has to keep defending that she’s not crazy, he’s just a manipulative, asshole. Honestly they both seem a insane, but I’m living for this drama so I’m not even mad. He says he broke up with her in person, then Lexi looks into the camera and says, “on my father’s grave that never happened. The last time he was in my house he was f*cking me.” SHOTS FIRED! Rachel asks when they last were last in communication and DeMario keeps beating around the bush, saying he can’t give her exact dates. The girlfriend pulls out her phones saying she has text messages and can show her exactly the last time he came over. YES RECEIPTS! DRAG HIM!!! Rachel then eloquently tells DeMario, “I’m not here to get played, I’m not here to be made a joke of, so I am going to need you to get the f*ck out.” As Beyoncé says, boy bye.
The remaining bros hit the showers then meet up with Rachel for their cocktail party. Josiah takes DeMario’s dick move as an opportunity to swoop in, show his protective side and shove his tongue down Rachel’s throat. There’s another poem and a weird Russian serenade which she rewarded with a high five. These guys are literally pulling out all the stops on the desperation train. Josiah is given the group date rose.
Back at the mansion it’s rose ceremony night. First person to pull Rachel aside is Colombian Chiropractor Bryan, who we haven’t seen much of since episode one when he got the first make out, I mean, impression rose. No surprise that it took all of about 2 minutes for him to say he missed her then take her to MackTown, USA. Bryan then tells Rachel he wants to relieve the stress DeMario caused her and gives her a massage. The man is smooth. She talks to a few more dudes until CBH pulls her aside and tells her there is an uninvited guest. It’s DeMario, crawling back onto the mansion property with his tail between his legs. DeMario told Chris Harrison his ex-girlfriend “assassinated” his character and he wants an opportunity to talk to Rachel about it. Rachel decides to take the chance to chew DeMario out once again and goes outside to talk to him.
It’s only week 2 and we are hit with our first “to be continued…” dammit ABC! I have a feeling that whatever DeMario has to say is going to resemble Ja Rule’s apology after #FyreFestival, “I truly apologize as this was NOT MY FAULT, but I will take responsibility I’m deeply sorry”
Until next time. Besos xoxo.