Ladies and gents Monday’s are once again a slightly better version of the worst day of the week because The Bach is back! It’s The Bachelorette’s turn to navigate the sausage fest, and our fearless leader is the beautiful, intelligent Rachel Lindsey. Or, as her former sister wives like to call her, Big Rach – which is what I like to call her too because even though my audition tape has yet to get any feedback from the casting department since I sent it last August I still have hope that I too will become one of the lucky few who get to make out with a stranger who’s also making out with 20 other strangers on national television. What can I say? I am a hopeless romantic.
If you’ve been living under a rock and haven’t heard why this season is so ground breaking let me just point out that Rachel is the first African American Bachelorette or Bachelor ever, which is a big deal since this show has been on since 2002. The most diverse Bachelor/ette they’ve have had before was Venezuelan douche lord Juan Pablo, who made every woman hate the word “ok” even more than they already did. Producers knew we needed a gem, or at the very least someone with an actual career (*cough, Nick Viall, *cough), and with Rachel they’ve given us both. It only takes 5 minutes into the episode for her to show off her lawyer skills by yelling, “objection your honor” in a fake court room that I think might just be a public library. “It’s hard for me to take my lawyer hat off for my love hat,” she says, which I have questions about. What are these hats exactly, Rachel? Is the lawyer hat more structured like a pilgrim hat, and the love hat is more laid back like a floppy sun hat? She then goes on to explain how she was skeptical about The Bachelor going in as a contestant, but was surprised by the strong connection she made. “It was hard for me to express my love for Nick,” probably because it was embarrassing and demoralizing, but girl it sure as hell paid off! To wrap up the introduction we see Rachel gallivanting in the park and taking photos with her adoring fan base. An elderly lady in her 80s hugs her and whispers into her ear just loud enough for the mic to pick up, “don’t sleep with all of them,” Rachel laughs and responds, “none of them!” LOL. We shall see about that…
Rachel returns back to the Bachelor mansion just as the hazard team is finishing up sanitizing the premises. If those orange stucco walls could talk they’d be screaming, “I’ve had enough, someone please just burn me to the ground and take me out of my misery!!!” She goes to the backyard and is greeted by 6 or 7 former contestants from last season who are allegedly Rachel’s best friends and future bridesmaids? Or they’re just desperate to stay relevant until Bachelor in Paradise, I’m going with the latter (no shade, I’d do the exact same thing). They all give her “advice” including Platinum Vagine Corrine, who Rachel is trying her hardest to act like she’s seriously listening to. Rachel finally is like, “Cut the shit I know you guys are just here so you can hide upstairs and call dibs on which of my sloppy seconds you want to make out with in Mexico,” and Alexis the Dolphinshark fist bumps with her. That’s not what actually happened, but it is implied.
TIME TO MEET THE BROS
Rachel is truly blessed and had 31 dudes to meet, and although I’m sure they’re all special in their own right (they probably aren’t), I’m only going to summarize the standouts/the ones I find the most entertaining –
First out of the limo is Peter who is so hot that he actually pulls off wearing a plaid print sports jacket and a bow tie. Also he has a gap tooth, Rachel has a gap tooth. Their babies would be adorable. He’s from Wisconsin which is a sensitive subject because the last time Rachel visited there she literally had to shovel bull sh*t on a group date. When he got to sitting down with Rachel he gave her chocolate stating, “everyone likes chocolate,” and she respectfully says with a smile, “honestly, I don’t,” which I’m not sure is literal or a metaphor, but with this diverse group of dudes that’s to be determined. Anyways, his reaction to her disdain of chocolate is utterly perfect, “I will literally throw this chocolate into a fire.” That’s the type of dedication I like to see. Big fan of Peter.
Next is Josiah, who is also a prosecuting attorney and makes it well known within the first 5 seconds of meeting rachel by making every legal pun possible. Ugh that’s going to get old SO quick, but I have a soft spot for Josiah because in his intro he explained how his brother committed suicide when he was 7. Dammit J, I didn’t think I’d need my tissues this early on and there you go hitting me right in the feels! He goes on to explain how he was a troubled kid and it was a run in with a prosecutor who believed in him that made him choose his career path so he could help change others’ lives. The positive feelings I had towards him slowly diminished throughout the night as he shows himself to be v cocky and overall too much. Like it’s night one, I get it you’re trying to make a statement, but how dare you disrespect the first impression rose by pinning it to your coat pocket when it was not given to you! All in all I still have high hopes for Josiah and think he could be a genuine contender if he takes it down a notch. Side note: the entire show it was bothering me who Josiah looked like. Answer – Tyreke, Tia’s boyfriend from Sister, Sister. Uncanny.
Bryan is a chiropractor and is 37 which is old AF, but his Spanish and overpowering sense of masculinity makes it a non-issue. From their first meeting out of the limo you could tell Rachel is immediately into him, and the rest of America is like “sames.” When he gets his one on one time with her later in the night he tells her that’s she’s in trouble because he’s columbian and about how he’s good with his hands, then is the only dude to make out with Rachel. Power move. Miiiight definitely be f*ck boy, actually more like f*ck grown ass man because he’s close to 40, but let’s be honest that’s what we are all here for.
Then we have Kenny, a professional wrestler from Vegas. But don’t let his occupation fool you, he’s a soft spoken (to the point of borderline creepy) father of a 10 year old girl. He hugs Rachel a lot, she hates it, I hate it. He tells her his wrestling name is Pretty Boy Pitbull, but if she wants to she can also call him Mr. Worldwide, Mr. 305, or Mr. International Love. All he asks is that she gives him everything tonight because for all they know they might not get tomorrow.
Bryce is a firefighter who literally sweeps Rachel off her feet. I dig it. Come to find out his contestant bio says his dream job is to be a professional Instagrammer, so if he can be that blatantly honest about his intentions and still be on this show I don’t want to hear any excuses as to why I shouldn’t be allowed on next season.
Blake K. is a military vet and a very attractive man of some sort of Asian descent and I am gladly picking up whatever he’s putting down.
Brady, who shares the same name as my Yorkie Poo, is a male model that came in with a block of ice then slammed it in front of Rachel with a sledgehammer like it was the opening of Frozen. “I just wanted to break the ice.” HA HA. Corny but clever. Touché, Zoolander.
Next up are the men who she met at After the Final Rose…
Dean, who told Rachel he was “ready to go black and never go back,” on LIVE national television. It was a risky opening line for sure, and he says he has been eager to get her reaction. She tells him that she, “Loved it.” Of course she did, because Daddy Dean is a 26-yo startup recruiter and let me tell you that he encompasses every 20-something recruiter I’ve ever encountered. Waspy comb over, clean suit, a boyish charm and smile that’ll blind you to the point that you almost forget about the underlying douche baggery you know is peaking under the surface. He’s the type of guy who has bottle service with the boys every weekend and mostly communicates via snapchat messenger even though he has your phone number and could easily just text you. He royally sucks, and I 10 out of 10 would most definitely date him.
Eric, the one who danced with her during ATFR. I was rooting for him until he came out of the limo wearing a khaki suit. He danced with her again because apparently that’s “their thing” now. Ugh.
DeMario, who apparently Sarah from Nick’s season knows from high school, who told Whitney, who told Rachel, that he might not be coming on the show for the right reasons. He’s an executive recruiter, I’ve already established my views on recruiters so I don’t need to say anything but yes this guy is probably a dbag. He’s v tall which I appreciate. When he hops out of the limo he immediately starts talking about their future…their first kiss and their first Christmas, which doesn’t surprise me in the least bit coming from the guy who bought plane tickets to Vegas for them to elope before they even met.
The last of the ATFR bros is Blake E. who is an aspiring drummer and showed up at the mansion with a marching band. First off, wtf is an aspiring drummer? You either know how to play the drums and are a drummer or don’t know how to play the drums and are not a drummer. I think what he meant to say was “unemployed drummer who spends most of the days working out on Venice Beach and talking about my penis trying to convince other people that I do In fact have sexual encounters with women.” Through out the night all he does is bitch and complain about how some of the guys aren’t there for the right reasons. He is trying too hard to be the next Evan Bass.
Now we are back to the rest of the first impressions…
Fred, who just kidding is NOT a first impression because he pulled out a yearbook and they went to the same school. Rachel looks super uncomfortable talking to him. Apparently when he was in 3rd grade Rachel was his camp counselor? To make matters worse Rachel says, “I immediately recognized Fredrick. He was a very BAD kid.” Eeeeeeeeeek I hate so much.
Jonathan seems normal enough until he makes Rachel close her eyes then tickles her. Kindly FUCK that noise. If someone were to ever tickle me I am not responsible for what happens to them, which would honestly probably be a swift punch to the dick. No surprise his occupation is “tickle monster,” I don’t even want to give this guy anymore of my feedback because I despise him so much.
Lee comes out of the limo with a guitar, singing Rachel a song. There’s always at least one singer and song writer, as is Bachelor/Bachelorette tradition.
Alex saunters out with a vacuum, the reason why is unestablished. The only redeeming thing about him is that through out the night while other dudes were trying have conversations with Rachel he would vacuum right in front of them so they couldn’t hear each other talk.
Adam, in his bio he stated the best gift he was ever received was a threesome and the most embarrassing moment was telling his mom he is going on The Bachelorette. Au contraire, I think the most embarrassing moment will be the fact your mom is going to read your bio and realize that she raised a son that will admit on a very public forum that the best gift he ever received was a threesome. Besides his atrocious bio, Adam himself was a pretty normal dude through out the night, however he did bring a plus one…
Adam Jr. is the 3 foot tall French doll that’s wearing a suit that matches Adam Sr. Honestly, Adam Jr. and his interview is the best part of the entire episode. Watch the video below to understand why. Also, I read an article that pointed out that AJ looks just like Aaron Rodgers, which makes me love him even more.
Matt waddles out of the limo in a penguin costume (again there’s always one, as is tradition) and points out to Rachel that penguins mate for life. I think he would’ve been better off dressing up as a termite or a schistosoma mansoni worm, both of which also mate for life and would be less cliche. Later in the night it’s evident why Matt took the costume route because when he takes off the penguin hat it’s revealed that he has an aggressive receding hairline.
Mo knows how to Bollywood dance and can drink his weight in alcohol when he feels anxious, aka when he’s surrounded by 30 other dudes and has to fight for one girls attention. He ends up sneaking a peak of Bryan and Rachel making out and screams “NOOOOOO!” in the distance. Best reaction of the night.
Last, but certainly the least tolerable, is Lucas. Just your standard aspiring comedian who isn’t that funny. He looks like a poor man’s Mark Wahlberg. His catch phrase and occupation is “whaboom,” but he doesn’t just say “whaboom,” he thrashes and shakes his entire body as if he’s an epileptic and screams at the top of his lungs, “WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABOOM!” To make matters worse he has a megaphone while doing this. To make matters more worse than worse, he’s wearing a bro tank with his caricature and catch phrase on it. He needs a heavy dose of Ritalin, possibly Xanax, maybe even throw in a horse tranquilizer or two. As obnoxious as he is, I found it pretty funny when he went around the house stalking Rachel as she talked to other guys and then would narrate what they were doing through the megaphone. Also when Blake E tries to confront him about his intentions on coming on the show Lucas is more or less like, “chew on glass and worry about yourself.”
First impression rose – Brian, first tongue down the throat gets the rose
2nd – Peter, sexy gap tooth
3rd -Will, first time seeing him TBH
4th – Jack Stone, looks like he would tie someone down to the train tracks. Also wtf kinda name is Jack Stone
5th – Jamey, grow up and just go by James
6th – Iggy, not Azalea
7th – Eric, beige
8th – DeMario, Sarah told Whitney he’s not here for the right reasons
9th – Jonathan, tickle monster
10th – Bryce, firefighter and aspiring Instagram model
11th – Vaccum guy, I guess his name is Alex
12th – Kenny, Mr. 305. When asked if he would accept this rose he answered “DALÉ!”
13th – Daddy Dean
14th – Matt, will be bald by next Tuesday
15th – Anthony, no idea who he is
16th – Brady, beware the frozen heart
17th – Josiah, I would like to file a motion for him to calm the f*ck down
18th – Lee, musician
19th – Diggy, my roommate loves him for his shoe collection
20th – Fred, trying to escape the camp zone
21st – Adam, minus Adam Jr. HOW DARE YOU RACHEL
22nd – Blake E, unemployed drummer, professional bitch
23rd – Lucas, whaboom. Can’t wait for his 2 on 1 with Blake E
Adam Jr. – I hope he goes to paradise, I think he has the passion Ashley I. is looking for.
Blake K – hot marine. Blake if you’re reading this my Instagram is @annabringsthehassel if you want to slide into my DMs.
Mo – at least you got blacked out on national tv for free!
A couple other dudes I don’t care about…
And Milton, who cried about not getting to stay because he wanted to show off all of the cute outfits he brought with him.
That wraps up the premiere of The Bachelorette! I don’t know about the rest of you, but I will be stocking up on the buy 6 and save wine at Safeway because I think it’ll definitely be necessary this season. Please continue to follow along for my weekly recaps and be sure to share id you enjoy.
Until next time! Besos XOXO