Here we are folks, after nearly 24 hours of air time, this season of The Bachelor with human labradoodle Nick Viall has finally come to a close. And yes, I said 24 hours. You wasted an entire day of your life watching Nick spread trench mouth, how does that make you feel?
True life – I was so annoyed and bored by the finale that it took me 2 months to publish this recap. Worst blogger in the world? Probably. Was the wait justified? Due to the level of bull sh*t this season, I think so.
Let’s dive right in…
Meet the Viall’s, for the 7000th time
The finale begins with Nick’s family flying into Finland to meet his final two sister wives. There’s a lot of crying by the whole Viall Squad. I’m not sure if it’s because this is the fourth time they have to worry about their son being publicly humiliated on national television or because out of all the destinations in the world Nick flew his family from cold as tits Wisconsin to even colder as tits Finland. Either way, they’ve about had it with the disrespect. They want Nick to get his shit together and these cameras out of their face. “He was sure about Andi. He was sure about Kaitlyn. Honestly, I’m just scared that I’ve raised a 36-year-old fuck boy who will do anything for air time,” sobs Momma Viall who, as my friend described, looks like the type who might take her son out in a murder suicide if this show doesn’t work out this time around. To reiterate, my friend’s description, not my own…
First to meet the Viall’s is Raven, who has actually already met the clan a few weeks earlier on her first date with Nick when he took her to his little sister’s soccer game…you know, normal first date things. Raven is as excited as a pig wooing a souie to meet his family again. They all sit down for dinner and it’s cordial and boring. Side note: Nick says he is one of eleven children, where are all these siblings? Do even they hate him so much that the only person willing to take part in this sh*t show is 12-year-old Bella who doesn’t know any better? Or maybe that makes her the smartest because in 13 years she will 100% be the next Bachelorette? Only time will tell.
Raven talks with both of Nick’s parents and the conversations are straight from The Bachelor 101 text book. At this point I think she’s sewn her lips to the top of her gums to keep her million watt smile on as she regurgitates the word vomit of, “I love Nick. I want to marry Nick.” Her level of delusion and denial impresses his parents, but I can also sense that Papa Nick has his suspicions. He knows deep down that no one could actually like Nick that much. “The Bachelor Kool-aid must be strong as hell,” he mumbles under his breath. Raven then sits down with her BFF Bella and they gab about soccer and all the fun they had at the roller rink back in Wisconsin. Raven knows that having a previous relationship with Bella is a big advantage, and she works diligently at getting her approval. Bella admits that she likes Raven a lot and she wants her to marry her brother. Raven’s eyes light up and I can faintly hear the tune from Psycho playing in the background (Just kidding, Raven. I love you. Be my friend.)
Next Vanessa visits the Viall AirBnB in all of her skeptic, over-analytical glory. The general vibe when Raven met the family versus when Vanessa met the family is staggering. When Raven met the family she was go with the flow and easy going. Whereas when Vanessa met the family she was dominating and the topics were heavy. Nick’s affection towards Vanessa is more evident as well. The two can’t keep their hands off each other as if one of them might float away if they let go of the others inner thigh. Whilst giving Nick a blatant over-the-pant HJ, Vanessa explains how she felt confident about their relationship after she vomited on their first date and he still made out with her. Vanessa also talks about how she is a proud Canadian and has a big Italian family who are all located in Montreal. For the third episode the topic comes up about where the couple would live, and for the third time the topic is swept under the rug like popcorn kernels. Vanessa is asked if she wants to get engaged to Nick and her response can be summarized as a big fat, “I don’t know.” She says that she takes getting engaged and getting married seriously. Up until this point he’s been dating 26 other women, so she’s not sure how he feels in return. As Nick’s dad put it, “It’s easy to love someone when it’s a fairytale, it’s the real world that’s tough.” I mean, it’s not that Vanessa fears aren’t justified, it’s just that she’s on The f*cking Bachelor and that is exactly how this show f*cking works. JUST SMILE AND DRINK THE DAMN KOOLAID, VANESSA.
FINAL ONE–ON–ONE WITH VANESSA
In case viewers didn’t get enough Vanessa, producers keep the good times rolling and give her the first last one-on-one date. Nick and Vanessa go on a horseback riding adventure through the winter wonderland. “How do I get this thing to move?” asks Vanessa. “Squeeze with your thighs. You know how to do that,” responds Nick. Here I was thinking I could get through an entire episode without audibly gagging, that notion is now gone as I struggle to keep down my pinot noir. Is that why they kept squeezing each others legs in front of his family? Woof.
Nick and Vanessa arrive at a small hut in the middle of a forest and knock on the door, and guess who answers? “IT’S! SANTA CLAUSE!” yells Vanessa as she channels her inner Buddy the Elf. Honestly, I’ve never seen this woman happier than she was in a 6X6 mountain shed talking to an actor dressed up like the mythical old man who brings toys to children. Like she’s waaaay too excited, high on Christmas magic I assume. I think Nick is concerned that she might actually think Santa is real. Meanwhile, I keep thinking that if I was in that same situation I’d be smiling at Santa while simultaneously whispering into Nick’s ear, “Ok this is f*cking weird, right? Can we go now? I would honestly rather throw up into your mouth or catch hypothermia in an ice bath.” Vanessa then proudly presents to the camera a heart-shaped ornament that Santa made for them at Joann’s craft day. It says “Niko and Venla” with a photo of the couple. She also explains that the symbol at the bottom represents happiness and fertility. Not if you don’t loosen up those thighs a bit Venla, just saying.
Nick manages to pull Vanessa off Santa’s lap and the pair sit next to a campfire to, once again, discuss how complicated their relationship is because, you know, he’s dating someone else. Vanessa is sick of questioning how Nick feels, she needs a little more hustle on his end. He gives her a vague explanation and she practically says – “If you are just going to pick me because I’m slightly the better option, I would rather you just not propose.” She ain’t right, but she ain’t wrong. Nick once again beats around the bush, telling her he can’t give her the answers she wants right now and that she needs to trust the process. She cries as he kisses the tears off her face, which is how a majority of their dates have ended. Totally healthy.
FINAL ONE–ON–ONE WITH RAVEN
Nick and the viewer’s moods are immediately brightened as Raven comes onto the screen for her final one-on-one. She is just a much more enjoyable human than Vanessa is. Raven, unlike Vanessa, understands the premise of this show – fall in love with the Bachelor, suck up to the Bachelor’s family and in the end you either get engaged or you get dumped in front of 7 million people, but at the very least you get a free two month vacation and Instagram fame that will ensure you do not have to work again a day in your life. Any way the cookie crumbles she’s a winner.
In memory of the first date, Nick and Raven go ice skating. “Kiss Me” plays in the background as they laugh and play like idiots. It is cliché and corny, but their connection is so light-hearted and easy that it makes the date adorable. The cuteness level goes off the chart when Nick brings out HUSKY PUPPIES! Raven talks to the camera while holding two baby floofs, “I don’t even care if I get my heart broken. This is totally worth it.”
The pair then sit down for one last chat before he makes his decision. She’s as cool as a cucumber, preferring to put his mind at ease rather than overwhelming him with questions because she know that this process is hard enough for him as it is.
It is now crystal clear that Nick has two distinctive options – marry Raven who will without a doubt be sweet, fun and doting. Or marry Vanessa who will without a doubt be passionate, combative and difficult. Taking into account how big of a masochist Nick is I think we all know exactly how this ship is going to sink…
WURL YER MURRY MER?
Neil Lane makes his contractual visit to Nick so he can pick out an engagement ring for the fourth time. “I haven’t seen a person with this many engagement rings since Elizabeth Taylor,” croaked the dinosaur jeweler. Nick selects the largest and most garish ring then sends away Neil so he can ponder his decision and cry in peace.
Nick walks into a plush lodge and stands next to a side table with one final rose. Outside a limo pulls up and Raven walks out. She approaches Chris Harrison in the waiting room who asks her, “How are you feeling?” “Nervous, but excited!” She responds with a hopeful smile. CBH responds with a devilish grins and opens the door for her to see Nick, “We’ll see about that…” he mumbles. “What?” she asks as he traps her in the room to face her impending doom. She walks up to Nick and starts spilling her heart, the last ditch effort to convince him that he should marry her. Nick stares at her in pain as she tells him once more, “I love you.” Tears well in his eyes a as if he’s just been asked drown one of those Husky puppies from their date, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you. I’m so sorry.” This type of rejection hits far too close to home, since he’s been in her shoes twice before. However she takes it better than he ever did, because she’s not an idiot, and stands there with her chin held high. Unbreakable like Kimmy Schmidt. Female strong as hell. He tells her he’ll miss her and she responds with – “I know.” SO Raven. They say their goodbyes and then she breaks down in the limo, the sting of unrequited reality TV love being too much to bear. In between sobs she says to the camera, “I’m so happy I grew out my hair with Sugar Bear Gummy Vitamins. I can use my hair as a Kleenex and it still retains its volume, strength and shine.”
Meanwhile back in the Fuccboi Lodge, Nick picks his weepy ass off the floor of and prepares himself for the moment he can finally propose to the 3rd love of his life in this series. Vanessa walks into the room and all the composure he just gained is knocked out of him as he is taken aback by her beauty and his undying love. Am I making this sound believable? I’m really trying here…
Vanessa walks up to him and Nick finally gives her what she’s been nagging him for weeks – he goes full blown emotional slut, an avalanche of emotional slutty-ness if you will. He tells her that he remembered the day he fell in love with her was at the second rose ceremony, which is kind of a shitty thing to admit when you think about how there were like 22 other girls still in the running at that time, so basically he strung everyone along for 5 more weeks even though he pegged Vanessa since week 2. As is Bachelor tradition. Anyways, Nick continues to his tirade of love and feelings for like 30 minutes. Once he shuts his pie hole Vanessa says, “There are literally thousands of other men that I should be with instead, but I am 72 percent sure that I love you.” He gets down on one knee and askes, “Vranessa Grimaldi, will you marry me?” not even trying to be a bitch or over exaggerate, he actually pronounced her name VRANESSA. In between their incoherent sobbing she manages to mumble “yes,” then hops on him like a spider monkey. I would not be the least bit surprised if they ended up cry-boning right then and there on that reindeer skin rug in front of all of the producers, cameras rolling. They are a train of unstable passion and emotion with a one way ticket to a US Weekly cover story announcing their break up after he gets kicked off of DWTS.
AFTER THE FINAL ROSE
The evening comes to a close with the LIVE After the Final Rose event. Raven comes on looking like a fox and talks about how she was genuinely broken up when Nick didn’t pick her, but the 300K new social media followers, paid sponsorships and boost in e-commerce sales for her boutique really softened the blow of rejection. Chris B Harrison offers her a spot on Bachelor in Paradise and she’s like “duh, have you seen this spray tan?” I am going to put money on James Taylor from JoJo season’s going on BIP exclusively for Raven. He will then cling onto her like a tick on some farm animal that I’m sure they’re both accustomed to because they’re both country folk, but she’s going to friend zone him sooo hard for another tool bag. Can.not.wait. Is it too early to set my DVR?
Next up CBH sits with Vanessa to discuss the exciting engagement! And by exciting I mean that she had the pep and positivity of Eeyore as she said, “I’m not going to sugar coat it. Things have been hard. Some days are better than others.” Apparently things have not been smooth sailing in the oceans of Niko and Venla. Riddle me that, Santa Clause? I’m sure that happiness and fertility ornament will make great fire wood when she torches all their memories together in a fit of rage and resentment.
Next Nick comes out to join Vanessa on the couch and let me tell ya, the tension is palpable. Probably because Nick just had to sit backstage listening to Vanessa and now he’s thinking “This was my fourth chance at finding love. This was literally my show and my fiancé just told all of America she can’t stand me. Dope.” They try their hardest to save face, explaining that their situation is uniquely difficult considering he dated 26 other women on national TV and after they got engaged they had to be separated and keep their relationship secret for 2 months while season aired. Which you know, IS HOW THIS F*CKING SHOW WORKS!!! UGH THESE PEOPLE!
Chris B Harrison proves that like the rest of America he’s had about enough of Mr. and Mrs. Buzz Killington, so he politely tells them best of luck and to GTFO the stage. CBH then dedicated the final 20 minutes of airtime to the next Bachelorette, Rachel. Just wrap your head around that for a moment – Nick sucks so hard that he was kicked off of his own After the Final Rose special to make way for his ex-girlfriend. Classic. And with that we bid farewell to the suckiest couple on television. Something tells me Vanessa won’t miss us as much as we won’t miss her…
Rachel comes out and tells Chris she is ready for love and excited to get the process going. A sly smile comes across Chris’ face and he tells her, “Funny you should say that, because surprise b*tch, we’re starting your season RIGHT NOW!” The prop department then pulls out a mural of the Bachelor Mansion and Rachel stands there in disbelief. What follows next is probably the most uncomfortable and fantastic 10 minutes of television as 4 or 5 different men come out to introduce themselves to Rachel in front of the live studio audience. The stand outs were hot, but kind of racist Dean who told Rachel “I am ready to go black and never go back,” and Eric who ended up dancing with Rachel in the middle of the stage. If these first impressions were any indicator it’s going to be an interesting season.
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Until next time! Besos xoxo