To those of you who missed the three hours of mediocrity and women screaming at one another on The Bachelor, let me just say that I envy you. To those of you who sat through the three hours of mediocrity and women screaming at one another and managed to not throw your TV out the window, let me just say that I am proud of you. Regardless if you watched or didn’t watch let’s recap…
Last week ended with Raven accepting Nick’s fantasy suite invite then informing him that she’s never had an orgasm before so he better be ready to put in work. This week’s episode starts with Nick and Raven waking up in their lovers yurt. In her interview Raven said they had a great night. I don’t believe her. Nick says goodbye because he has to go off and sleep with his next girlfriend. Raven has an “I got laid last night” montage of her dancing through a village in Finland to catchy music. Think of Joseph Gordon Levitt after he slept with Zooey Deschanel in 500 Days of Summer, but less endearing.
FANTASY SUITE 2 – RACHEL GOT RAN OVER BY A REINDEER NICK’S EMOTIONAL BULLDOZER
Future Bachelorette Rachel arrives in Finland and meets Nick in a snowy forest, which is all Finland is – a big, snowy forest that’s also a country. She is wearing the same long-haired hamster beanie that Raven was wearing in the last episode. I’d put money that some producer has a cousin who sells these things on Etsy. Nick and Rachel go cross country skiing on this date, which looks like my personal nightmare. Do you know what everyone’s least favorite part of skiing is? Trying to get from point A to point B on flat ground. Some sadistic a**hole out there had the audacity to be like, “People skiing down mountains and having fun is overrated. Instead let’s have them walk around on skis and try not to eat sh*t and die. It’ll be called cross country skiing.” Rachel falls 35 times and they move at a collective pace of 200 feet per hour. Surprisingly the couple make it to a reindeer farm before night fall and feed them some carrots. Rachel asks one of the reindeer, “where’s Santa?” which is discrimination. Not every reindeer automatically works for Santa, Rachel! To add insult to injury the reindeer are then forced to take them on a sleigh ride.
Next Nick and Rachel sit in a cozy lodge and talk about their feelings, or more so Rachel’s lack of talking about her feelings. “What’sh your shingle biggesht feahur?” Nick askes. “I don’t have shingles?” Rachel responds confused, “Oh you meant single…what’s my single biggest fear! Right. It’s so hard to know what you’re asking when you don’t annunciate.” Their whole conversation is like pulling teeth. It’s essentially 10 minutes of Rachel saying she doesn’t want to tell him her feelings when he can’t say them back (a normal fear) and Nick telling her to check her ego at the door (a douchey response). It’s both uncomfortable and stupid. Rachel eventually cracks and tells Nick she’s falling in love with him. Nick beams with joy and hops on her to shove his tongue down her throat. Calm down, Nick, you literally just peer pressured a girl into saying “I love you,” I wouldn’t get too excited. He tells her that he’s falling for her too. It’s interesting he says that considering she’s the only person he’s told he’s falling for too and we know she doesn’t win. Hmm. Rachel accepts his key to the fantasy cabin. The next morning he cooks her breakfast while she chills in a penguin onesie. I have a whole new level of respect and admiration for Rachel because of said onesie.
FANTASY SUITE 3 – VANESSA ICE, ICE BABY
Producers save what’s sure to be the most insufferable for last. Like every other date in Finland, Vanessa meets Nick in the middle of the forest and jumps on him like a spider monkey while wearing a stupid beanie. He says that today they’re going to be experiencing Finnish culture. Add “Finnish culture,” to the list of words and phrases I never want to hear Nick say again. The list includes everything he’s said this entire season. Anyways, they slip on matching bright blue swimsuits and are looking bronze AF. They run from the warm shelter to a pool of melted snow. It reminds me of something Joe Rogan would force people to do on Fear Factor. “I want to chop Nick up and feed him to the reindeer,” – Vanessa on Nick making her jump into an ice bath in the middle of Narnia. I mean I don’t really blame the girl, but chopping him up and feeding him to the reindeer is a little graphic/harsh. The reindeer don’t deserve that type of treatment, they’ve been through enough. Nick and Vanessa’s goal was to contaminate the Scandinavian drinking well for 10 seconds, but they didn’t make it past 6 seconds. Vanessa’s type A OCD really begins to shine as she forces them to go back into the pool over and over again until they stay in for the full 10 second duration. No joke this girl must be downing shots in between takes because she is way too pumped to be doing this. Or maybe she just doesn’t want Nick to have a functioning penis for fantasy suites. It’s one or the other…maybe both…probably both.
The pair finally meet their goal time and have successfully given themselves hypothermia, so they hop into a Jacuzzi to thaw out. It takes all about 10 more seconds for Vanessa to bring up her insane hometown date with her equally insane family. “Wasn’t that fun?” asks Vanessa. “To be honest I’d rather you chop off my shriveled dick and feed it to the reindeer than to ever see your family again.” Responds Nick. “Well there are certain things I won’t compromise. Like my family is traditional, and so am I, and I have to have dinner with them every Sunday,” says Vanessa. “Well, you see the issue with that is I am not traditional and I am not a big fan of having a girl’s family involved in my relationship. Also they’re in Canada and I have to continue to suck on the fame teet to keep myself relevant and that’s located in LA, so…” Basically they have nothing in common when it comes to family and/or general values. Solid.
Later that night they meet up for round two of bickering. Vanessa once again brings up how her family and her job that she loves are both in Montreal. “Would you consider moving to Canada?” Nick says if needed he would go to great lengths for the woman he loves, but he also goes full on Lee Greenwood and is like, “As corny as it is I’m proud to be an American.” Vanessa strains to not blatantly roll her eyes. “I can see us having more conflict than any of my other relationships because we have such big personalities,” says Nick in his interview. Ya think? Here’s a translation for what he actually meant – “We are both so stubborn that there’s no way we will ever work out, but I’m a masochist and I like challenges that emotionally ruin me, so this is perfect.” Nick tells Vanessa that if they learn to communicate and compromise then they will have a strong relationship, however, they don’t have time for communication and compromise right now so he hands her the fantasy suite card. As she opens it and pulls out the key she sings “Dun, dun, dunnnn,” as if we didn’t already know their relationship is a horror story waiting to happen. They go to a cozy lodge that has a bed with a large fireplace directly behind it, hopefully Nick’s hair catches on fire…not enough for him to get seriously injured, but enough for it to be hilarious. The next morning the cameras pan to them snuggling in bed. Vanessa lays on top of him and she doesn’t have a shirt on. SCANDALOUS. He then leaves her and once again their date ends with no resolution of where they’re going to live, how they’ll make living or how they’ll function as a real life couple. Those are all minor things though, I’m sure it’ll be settled once the cameras stop rolling.
The final three ladies line up to see which of them was not adequate enough in bed and will be sent home. “All my insecurities are coming out,” cries Vanessa during an interview. B*tch you’ve been incessantly nagging at Nick since week 3, your insecurities have been out. Also you’re wearing bright pink lipstick in the dead of winter. Get it together!
Nick walks up to his remaining sister wives, he’s very emotional because his journey of attention and making out with multiple women is slowly coming to a close. First he gives Raven a rose and then Vanessa, which means Rachel is going home. He sits her down to talk one on one. He tearfully explains to her that although he likes her a lot the producers won’t let him pick her because she’s the chosen one. He also mumbles, “I hope this won’t be goodbye forever” Wait? Is this a tease that he’s going to break up with whoever he proposes to so he can show up on her season of The Bachelorette? PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIS B HARRISON, PLEASE MAKE THIS A THING!!! #FifthTimesaCharm
WOMEN TELL ALL
As if listening to Nick and Vanessa wasn’t enough, next ABC makes us sit through nearly two more hours of 27 catty b*tches yelling over one another as the end of their 15 minutes of fame rears its ugly head. It was honestly horrendous so I am just going to give the cliff notes:
- Nick and Chris Harrison “crash” some Bachelor viewing parties. It is the most air time CBH has had all season.
- Danielle M said nothing. During the introductions she literally stood up, did a twirl to show off her fantastic bodysuit and that was it. Honestly she looked so great that she didn’t need to do much else. I’m sure that alone was more than enough to get at least 4 social media endorsements knocking in her DMs.
- Who the hell is Elizabeth? She looked like grown up Jon Bennet Ramsey. Did she steal the bright pink obnoxious lipstick from Vanessa?
- Liz, the girl who slept with Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding and wouldn’t stop talking about it, changed her hair and her face so no one would recognize her as the girl who slept with Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding and wouldn’t stop talking about it. She explained to CBH that at the time they slept together they were in different places in their lives, but 9 months later when she found out he was the Bachelor she was in a better place and she wanted to get to know him more. In no way did she go onto the show because he was at a place in his life where she could utilize his fame to her advantage. She also went on a rant about women empowerment which seemed misplaced.
- The Taylor vs Corinne debacle was like beating a dead horse, bringing it back to life, then beating it again. The dead horse was Taylor. Unpopular opinion, but I actually felt bad for her. If you read my blog you know that in the last few episodes I started to genuinely like Corinne because even though she was insane she was great entertainment and above all she clearly cared about Nick. After The Women Tell All I am no longer #TeamCorn. I get it, everyone is all over Corinne’s whipped cream covered tits because she’s the best thing to happen to The Bachelor franchise since Sugarbear Hair Gummies. I get it, Taylor sucks and she was a total bitch during the show. However the way Corinne acted like her shit didn’t stink at WTA (ex: when she walked off stage to get champagne as Taylor was talking) really irked me. Since everyone loves Corinne there was nothing Taylor could’ve said or done to recover from her behavior on the show, or to get an apology from Corinne who was equally as nasty, so I felt sorry for her. I guess I was just hoping for a little compassion or humility on Corinne’s end, but it’s clear she just plays it all up for the cameras and doesn’t care about anyone else. More power to her though, it clearly works.
- Corinne also never took any accountability for her own actions. She said she had an anxiety attack after Nick sucked on her boobs then rejected her and that’s why she slept through the rose ceremony. Whenever anyone tried to call her out she’d go full Mariah Carey, “why are you so obsessed with me?” I know I’ve used that reference before but I’m using it again because I am still convinced Corinne and Mariah are the same person.
- Josephine was Corinne’s hype girl the whole show, but Corinne never acknowledged her. It was hilarious.
- Jasmine G. is still as obnoxious as she’s ever been. They never even talked about how she choked Nick multiple times which extremely disappointing because that was by far the best moment of the season.
- When Nick comes out to be in the hot seat Kristina asks him if had a great time together and if they did why was she sent home. Her moment to get answers is interrupted by Danielle L…
- Danielle L. is high key crazy. She had the audacity to interrupt Kristina, a girl who had a genuine connection with Nick and made it to the top 5, when she was sent home not even half way through the season. Not only was she sent home early, but she was sent home on the two-on-one date that she won. I think she’s actually living in a different world, because she is still heartbroken and sobbing 6 months later. Supes confusing. Supes delusional.
- Lacey, the girl who arrived to the mansion on a camel and contributed nothing else to the season, started grilling Nick about how one when the two of them were talking all he would do was talk about were other girls in the house. “Maybe going forward don’t talk to your kinda girlfriend about your other kinda girlfriends.” Nick just stared at her blankly like, “Who the actual f*ck are you?”
There was some other stuff that happened, but I honestly don’t care. This blog is almost as long as that episode which is offensive and I’m truly sorry to do that to my readers.
Next blog post will be the Finale! THANK GOODNESS BECAUSE I AM SO DONE WITH THESE PEOPLE.
As a special treat I have made a Bachelor Finale drinking game. Be sure to have a DD or Uber on call in case things go rogue and you have to go to the hospital to get your stomach pumped.