Recap

Recapping The Bachelor – Week 9

All I have to say is thank Chris B Harrison that this week’s episode was only 1 hour, because I don’t think my heart, soul and sanity could take another two-fer after the cluster f*ck that has been this season up to this point.

This week begins with the first woman to reject Nick’s television proposal, former Bachelorette Andi Dorfman, knocking on his hotel door for an impromptu nag fest. She sits down in his plush New York City penthouse suite and he offers to pour her a drink. “Whiskey or wine?” Askes Nick. “Whiskey on the rocks. Because I’m not like other exes, I’m a cool ex who is like super chill and laid back, but also not afraid to say it how it is because I’m better than you. I also don’t usually vape, but I am totally down to vape if a guy is into it.”

Nick and Andi sit down to talk about how his experience as The Bachelor is going thus far, meanwhile the four remaining ladies are standing on a terrace in the middle of November freezing to death waiting for the rose ceremony to start because no producer bothered to bring them inside while Nick was preoccupied. Another innovative elimination tactic. Anyways, Nick and Andi’s convo pretty much consists of, “I have so much more respect and understanding for your decision now that I’m in your shoes,” on his end and “Maybe don’t ask girls if they’d rather f*ck or make love your first time in the sack because that’s weird,” on her end. Do you know who I’d never want television dating advice from? My television ex who chose to get engaged to someone else then ended up calling off the engagement because the person picked over me was a sociopath and 3 years later is still single and all they have is a best-selling novel about their shitty experience with dating on television…but I digress.

ROSE CEREMONY 

Finally they wrap up Andi’s 3 minutes of trying to re-establish her relevance and Nick makes his way down to his sister wives, who are now Otter Pops. He’s looking damn fine in an all-black suit, shirt and tie combo. “Sorry for keeping you guys waiting, it’s pretty cold out here.” “No sh*t Sherlock, now send me home so I can go back to The Bach Mansion in LA. I have an interior designer coming in at 3 tomorrow to start redecorating!” yells Rachel’s subconscious. Nick stands there for a moment contemplating, probably because he forgot how a rose ceremony works. “You say their name and give them the rose, idiot!” Yells CBH from the lobby bar. The first rose goes to Raven, the second goes to Rachel (the hell ABC?!), which means Vanessa or Corinne is going to GTFOVille. There is a long pause, and then it happens – “Vanessa.” Suddenly the reason why he wore all black makes sense, tonight’s the funeral for his season because he just sent home the only thing that makes his show worth watching. Immediately Corinne bursts into tears, then Nick walks her and her fabulous mink coat (that’s most likely worth my entire years rent) to the limo. As they walk down the stairs she tells him to wait, she turns herself into his chest and embraces him, sobbing, “I’m sorry if I ever did anything to make you upset,” My heart is breaking, for the girl who dry humped someone in a children’s bounce house. Man this season has turned.

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Nick holds Corinne while she cries and assures her that she did nothing wrong. It’s more like an adult soothing a small child than a boyfriend breaking up with a girlfriend. She took her top off, genuinely cared about him more than any other contestant, and bought him a $3,500 outfit, and what does she get in return? I would say the shaft, but she didn’t even make it to fantasy suites to get the shaft. All he did was string her along for ratings and once he(we) met Raquel he kicked her to the curb. I didn’t think I could hate Nick any more than I already did, but every week his level of douchery surpasses my expectations. I can’t wait to not watch him on Dancing with the Stars. Corinne rides off into the night, but not before bestowing upon us the greatest exit speech of all time, “I’m done. Done trying to show my men how much I worship them and I love them and I care for them and I support them. I need that! So if someone feels that way about me they can come tell me and they can bring a ring to go along with it!” She then says she’s tired and passes out in the back of the limousine. Truly inspring…

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And just like that, the Platinum Vagine has left the building. She was insane, but she was real and she was loved. Don’t be surprised if you find me rocking a #TEAMCORN one piece during pool season.

FANTASY SUITE 1 – LIKE A RAVEN TOUCHED FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME

Nick jets off to Finland for Fantasy Suites because going to islands and tropical locations hasn’t panned out well for him thus far. He walks around the frozen tundra as he once again ponders his chances of finding a wife because, as stated before, he’s the worst and even he’s starting to speculate why these broads would actually like him. Don’t worry we’re all thinking the same thing bud.

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Raven and Nick’s date starts off with a beautiful helicopter tour of Finland complete with mountains, herds of some type of hooved mammal, and a f*ck ton of snow. Raven is wearing the most ridiculous beanie of all time. It looks like there’s a Furby was stapled to the top of her head. That being said, I kind of really want one.

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They then go to a dive bar to day drink and play darts. One of the 5 local bar patrons comes up and either gives them dating advice or dart tips, I’m not completely sure because I couldn’t get over the fact that he sounded JUST like the shop owner from Frozen. “Yoo-Hoo! Big summer blow out!” Now that I think about it this bar looks like the shop from Frozen, and Raven is as love delusional as Anna, and Nick does sound like Olaf with a more aggressive speech impediment…wait, is this another Disney plug-in? Are we going to get a live action Frozen!? I NEED ANSWERS, ABC! They also sit by the fire and take some shots of a dark, thick liquor that I can only assume to be Jägermeister. Nick knows the frat star way into a woman’s heart and pants. “Can we at least get a Monster from the vending machines for a chaser?” begs Raven.

They head to dinner where Raven finally tells Nick “I love you” while he wears a turtleneck sweater that I’m pretty sure he stole from Jane Fonda’s closet.

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He literally looks like a penis. His pubey hair doesn’t help matters. Raven’s declaration of love moves Nick to tears, not that making Nick cry is hard to do, but I have to admit that it was a phenomenal speech on her part. The bullsh*t she spewed was so convincing that even I almost fall in love with him. Mental note: if I ever get married I am definitely contracting Raven to write my vows.

The night hangs in the balance as Nick hands Raven the fantasy suite card that says, “Wanna bone?” with a key. She ecstatically accepts the opportunity to spend more time with him, but says there’s something she wants to discuss first. “Remember my ex-boyfriend I told you about during our first date? You know, the one who cheated on me so I violently attacked him with a stiletto? Well, not only was he a dirty, lying SOB, but he also never made me orgasm. Oh and he’s the only person who I’ve ever slept, up until tonight that is because I just accepted your fantasy suite invite! BUT NO PRESSURE LOL IT’S GOING TO BE GREAT I LOVE YOU!” That isn’t exactly what was said verbatim, but it’s pretty damn close. Nick begins to pull on the neck of his sweater like it’s slowly suffocating him, probably because it is actually suffocating him but also because the situation is super uncomfortable. As if having sex with someone on national television isn’t stressful enough, now he also has to worry about giving her the first big O. Good luck with that one Nicky poo. The episode ends with the two of them making out in a yurt and we have to wait until next week to find out if Raven spread her wings.

Next week’s episode is going to be 3 hours long, so be sure to stock up on wine, cheese and sedatives. Remember to share if you’re enjoying the recaps.

Until next time! Besos XOXO.

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