This week of Bachelor fun starts with the girls in Bimini sitting on the couch and chewing their finger nails down to the cuticles because their collective boyfriend Nick is being a wild card again and sent Kristina home without a rose ceremony. At this point even the girls have had it up to here with Nick’s sh*t. He then unexpectedly walks into the villa asking for a seat on the couch. The ladies scurry like mice to make room for their cult daddy. Corrine gapes at him, “He’s carrying roses, but I can’t see how many so I’m freaking out.” I don’t know if Corinne is blind or counting is just hard, but either way it concerns me that she can’t tell if someone is holding four roses yet she runs a multi-million dollar company. Nick tells his remaining sister wives that he knows he said 5 days ago that Danielle L was his toughest goodbye yet, and then 23 hours ago he said Danielle M was his toughest goodbye yet, but as of 33 minutes ago Kristina is most def his toughest goodbye yet. He then says to the ladies that these relationships are two way streets, so if they want to continue on this journey for fame…I mean love…then they have to accept his rose right now in their pajamas. The girls describe the scenario as “intimate” and “more meaningful” than a traditional rose ceremony. In the distance Chris B Harrison is rolling his eyes and slamming back a shot, patiently waiting for Nick to send Rachel home so he can start a new season and be rid of this unstable Chia Pet. One by one he asks Raven, Rachel, Vanessa and Corinne to accept his rose. He points out directly to Corinne that he could not be more excited to meet Raquel, proving that even he understands that a nanny who hasn’t even had airtime is single handedly keeping this show mildly entertaining.
SWEET HOME ALABAMA LOUSIANA? SOUTH CAROLINA? ARKANSAS WITH RAVEN
The first hometown date is with Raven in Hoxie, Arkansas. When I was writing my notes during this episode I spelled the city as “Hauwkesey,” so I was far off. Nick arrives in the middle of BFArkansas super thankful he has Verizon because TMobile sure as hell doesn’t have coverage out here. Raven rides up in an ATV, throws him a helmet and makes him ride on the back thus severing the last bit of manhood he has left. They stop on some farm land and Raven explains to Nick that in a small southern town it’s casual to trespass on private property and have deep talks on silos, very Chip and Joanna Gaines. “These grain bins are filled with secrets.” Is that code for “this is where I lost my virginity,” Raves? Before they had an opportunity to have a midday dry hump and contaminate the livelihood of some poor farmer, the pair are interrupted by the sirens of a cop car that’s coming in hot. Nick starts to panic, “Raven, what the actual hell? I am too pretty for jail! They don’t even have the proper hair products!” The officer asks for their ID’s and Nick starts stammering more so than usual because he’s an idiot and doesn’t notice the officer is mic’ed up. “I’m just joshin’ ya boy, I’m Raven’s big brother! Now you run off and show my sister a good time or I will taze you in the nuts.” That’s not actually what the good officer said, but I have to get creative with the dialogue or I will literally fall asleep while writing these recaps. After Nick changes his underwear he and Raven continue their mud bogging adventure. They stop in the middle of the swamp lands and Nick takes his top off. I know I’ve given him a lot of sh*t this season, but GD that boy has a hot bod. Where’s Corinne with the whipped cream when you need her? They then start to playfully tackle each other into the stagnant marsh land and seductively make out. If they didn’t contract ZIKA virus in Louisiana they are for sure getting it now.
Next up it’s time to meet the parents who named their daughter after Tree Hill High School’s mascot. As they’re walking up to the door Raven says off camera “My dad was diagnosed with lung cancer a year ago and we didn’t know if he’d make it, so bringing Nick home will bring my parents a lot of joy.” I’m pretty sure if I brought a dude home who was dating 3 other women and I paraded him around like it was a huge milestone “joy” would be the last thing my dad would feel, cancer survivor or not. He’d probably just be impressed that there were 23 other girls who were crazier than me and give me a high five. Raven’s parents tell her that daddy had a scan and he’s cancer free. Everyone starts crying, including Nick but duh that’s a given. The rest of the date is filled with substantial and genuine conversations that are super boring so I won’t go into them. Nick sits down with Papa Raven and within 10 seconds asks for his blessing to marry his daughter. “If we go all the way to the end and don’t want to say goodbye to each other, would you be comfortable with me proposing if she’s okay with it?” Not even paraphrasing, that’s exactly what he said. WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL NICK? Are you going to ask the next three dads if you can marry their daughter too? Like it’s that casual? Does this happen every season? Papa Raven is a little shocked, but chill about the situation and gives the douche nozzle his blessing.
It’s time for Raven and Nick to part ways, but before he leaves she sits him down on a bench so she can spill the big L. Nick happily gazes into her eyes and tells her, “I feeleh likeh tuhday wash a greasht dayeh for ush.” The power of his lisp in this moment distracts Raven and she does not end up telling him she loves him. Better luck next time.
LOOK WHO’S COMING TO DINNER WITH RACHEL
Next Nick heads to Houston to meet up with Rachel. Considering she’s been announced to be the next Bachelorette I’m going to take a wild guess this hometown isn’t going to go well. Nick runs up to her looking very Mormon in a plain dress shirt (that is shockingly buttoned all the way up) and slacks, an outfit that pays homage to his roots as a Midwest software salesman. Obviously he’s going the conservative route since he knows he’s meeting Rachel’s dad who’s a federal judge.
They kiss in the park then Rachel says that he’s dressed perfectly for what they’re going to do. Please for the love of Chris B Harrison, please tell me she’s going to be taking him to interviews for a real job that doesn’t entail making out with several women! I am disappointed when it’s revealed that there will not be a job hunt today, instead Rachel will be taking him “to do something he’s never done before,” go to church. Scratch that he’s gone to church before, however they’re going to her church that’s predominantly African American so it’s different. They go to her church which doesn’t have a great turn out, probs because they’re shooting this episode at 2 PM on a Tuesday to stay on schedule. We watch Nick as he struggles to clap along with the gospel choir. After church the pair sit down and Rachel tells Nick that her father has previous work engagements so the two will not get to meet. Translation – my dad has too much dignity to go on camera and attempt to take this bullsh*t seriously. Respect to Papa Rach, although he’s going to have to suck that up for next season. At the start of this hometown Nick said to the camera that he and Rachel have the “most explosive chemistry” out of any of the other relationships. I feel like that’s completely delusional one-sided on his part because it seems painfully apparent when they talk that she’s just putting on a happy face and entertaining him because that’s what you’re supposed to do on this show. I mean who could blame her? She’s a strong, successful, intelligent lawyer dating a man child whose claim to fame is being publicly rejected on multiple occasions. It’s so evident these two would never last in real life, evident to everyone but Nick that is because he is as intuitive as a door knob.
Nick and Rachel head off to meet her family. Remember how last week I said that CBH was so done with Nick and his lack of rose ceremonies that he sent the flower guy home? Well I think I was spot on because Nick keeps bringing the mothers those colorful daisy bouquets that are $7.99 at Safeway. They all sit down for dinner and one of the sister’s ask Nick if he knows what food is front of him. “I’m not from Mars,” Nick responds then proceeds to properly name all of the items such as brisket, greens and okra. After dinner the couple sits down with Rachel’s other sister and brother-in-law, who looks like the host from Inside the Actor’s Studio and/or a man who speaks only in riddles. Being in an interracial couple herself, Rachel’s sister starts slamming Nick and Rachel with questions.
Sister – “Have you ever dated a black woman before?”
Brillo Bachelor – “I’ve date black women, but nothing beyond a few dates.”
Sister – “What’s different with Rachel?”
Brillo Bachelor – “Um…her? Who she is as a person? I like her?”
Rachel’s sister comes off a bit intense, but I’m sure her approach comes from a place of true concern and a desire to get the two prepped for reality. Next Nick sits down with Rachel’s mom who also acknowledges “the elephant in the room” bringing up that he’s white and her daughter is black, as if he might’ve forgotten. He explains to her that he’s not colorblind and that he and Rachel have had discussions regarding interracial dating in today’s culture. Her mom seems satisfied with this answer and goes on to ask him what he sees in Rachel. “As soon as she came out of the limo I thought she was gorgeous,” Rachel’s mom stops him, “that’s nice you find my daughter attractive, but I was wondering what you appreciate about her as a person?” Touché Momma Rach, touché. Rachel’s mom then sits her down and asks what she’s sees in Nick. “I have a checklist of things I want in a man. Is he physically attractive? Yes. Um, and his sincerity. He’s sincere. And…he’s genuine in knowing what he wants. And…yeah.” They stare at one another for a couple of moments, and as if Rachel telepathically conveyed “Ma it’s the Bachelor, I know it doesn’t make sense. Just f*cking go with it,” her mom suddenly tells her daughter that’s she trusts her judgment and that she’s happy for her.
MY BIG, FAT, GREEK PLATINUM VAGINE WITH CORINNE
Nick jets off to Miami for the highly anticipated hometown date with Raquel. The day starts off by Corinne taking Nick shopping at an exclusive shopping center that has the perfect mix of white marble and indoor palm trees. It’s both pretentious and tacky, kind of like the city of Miami in general and Corinne. Their date is essentially an 80s mall montage – Nick puts on a fashion show in the fitting room while Corinne gives him the thumbs up or thumbs down with one hand and chugs champagne with the other. All the scene is missing is Girls Just Wanna Have Fun by Cyndi Lauper playing in the background. “I thought I had expensive taste until I met Corinne,” says Nick as she forces him to try on $800 ombre sweat pants.
They finally agree on an outfit that is somewhat normal and that costs $3,424, which is almost as much as a woman can earn for donating her eggs. Corinne says “Don’t worry about it babe,” and charges it to her black card. She just sugar mommaed Nick and it was a turn of events I did not see coming. After their exhausting shopping spree they sit down for a bite to eat. Corinne tells Nick “I’m falling for you and it’s genuine. I love you.” I’m sorry, what? CORINNE IS THE FIRST GIRL TO SAY I LOVE YOU? AT A MALL CAFÉ?! Another plot twist I did not see coming. If you would’ve told me back in week 2 that this is how hometowns would go down I would’ve punched you square m in the mouth, yet here we’re are. Nick, who is contractually not allowed to say I love you back, smiles and gives her a big kiss.
Nick and Corrine walk hand in hand to meet the fam. Of course Corinne lives in an obnoxious pink skyscraper because why wouldn’t she? They walk into the penthouse to find her family patiently awaiting to flood her with embraces. What is her dad’s accent? Her last name is Olympios which seems super Greek, but he almost sounds Italian. The gold chain is also throwing me off. Wait, it’s confirmed – they’re definitely Greek. I know because Corinne’s dad made his famous Greek olives and Nick audibly gagged while saying “Best olives I’ve ever had!” Not only is he a bad professional dater but he’s also a terrible actor. Corinne’s mom is explaining to Nick that Raquel is part of their family, a second mother figure to her daughters, which I gather as “Raquel is my go to when I am too turnt to raise the children and cook which is pretty much all the time.” Corinne then takes a moment for some one on one time with Papa Olympios who askes the million dollar question, “So what does he do for a living?” “Well he used to sell software…” she stops right before admitting that now all he does for income is date people like a reality showngigolo. “Corinne you’re used to a certain lifestyle. Can he support you? Is he going to be a stay at home father?” SOMEONE GIVE PAPA O THE MVP AWARD PLEASE! Corrine defends her man, saying that she can be the bread winner if she has to and she’s willing to do it because she loves him that much. Nick also sits down with Raquel who is arguably the sweetest old lady of all time. For some reason I was imagining her as a sassy, large woman, but she’s small, soft spoken with a heart of gold which I’m sure makes her cheese pasta all that much better.
Corinne’s mom warns her daughter that she’s living in a fantasy and she couldn’t possibly be in love. No sh*t, mom, but we don’t say that out loud. Nick has a chat with Corinne’s dad who gives him a glass of 15 year old single malt whiskey. The whiskey might be more expensive than his $900 t-shirt. Nick asks him for his blessing just like he did for Raven. UGH WHY IS HE THE WORST?! Nick receives his blessing and goes on his way.
Guys, I think I just turned #TeamCorn. Her family was boujee, but they were genuine, normal and caring people. And as insane as she is she actually adores Nick more than all these girls combined. What is happening? How did I get here?!
THE GODFATHER WITH VANESSA
Finally we have Vanessa’s hometown date in Montreal, eh. Vanessa first takes Nick to the school where she teaches adults with mental disabilities. All the students are overjoyed to see Vanessa, jumping, hugging and crying. Meanwhile Nick stands by with a weird grin on his face with no clue how to act. They sit down in her classroom and Vanessa informs her students that since they already made one scrapbook about her that they now get to make a scrapbook of her and Nick. It’s a sensory exercise and it’s easier than DIY. Getting innovative with the curriculum, respect. After they put the students to work Nick and Vanessa have some alone time where she explains that her parents had a nasty divorce so he’ll be meeting them separate. A foreshadow of many torturous Christmases to come I am sure.
First they head to Nona’s house (Vanessa’s mom side) and before heading in she makes him review all the family members and their names. Vanessa is by far the most controlling of the sister wives. There are more people jammed into Nona’s than college kids at a bar on dollar beer night. Nick probably wishes it was dollar beer night because within 5 minutes they’re being slammed with questions ranging from “What do you do for a living?” (lol) and “Will you move to Montreal?” They awkwardly deflect these questions because those are real life issues and they’re in Bachelor Land so it’s not to be touched. Everything will work out when they get engaged because that’s just how things work here and they don’t have time to explain that to her nagging family. Her sister threatens that Nick that if he breaks her heart she will hate him and Vanessa cries with her brother because this hometown is emotionally exhausting for everyone including me. Side note: Vanessa’s brother’s hair? What…what was going on there?
They leave Nona’s and head over to her dad’s place, which has much less people but the same amount of aggressive energy and hostility. Vanessa’s dad asked Nick what he sees in his daughter and he says more substantial things about Vanessa than he has about any other girl at this point. Nick’s on a good track until he asks for the blessing marry her. I think Vanessa’s dad actually turned into the Hulk. “I can’t give you my blessing just like this…Did you ask the other families for their blessing too?” I think I can hear Nick’s balls shriveling in fear. He admits that yes he did ask the other families, but this is just part of the process and he respects his daughter and he’s just trying to do the right thing. Papa Ness is just like, “Yeah whatever. Here’s my blessing. You can shove it up your ass and keep it for later.” Vanessa then sits down with her father who reveals to her that Nick asked for his blessing to marry her. She beams with happiness saying how big of a step that is. He then tells her to slow her roll because he’s ask 3 other dads too. Vanessa finds this to be very disingenuous and that it degrades the meaning of asking for her father’s permission. True Vanessa, but like are you that surprised? This is his 6th blessing he’s asked for in 3 years. It’s like his equivalent of a handshake.
Once again their date ends with Vanessa being sulky and borderline pissed and Nick not knowing how the hell to handle it. “Well..a…see ya at rose ceremony!” *fist bump**
The first rose ceremony in 3 weeks is just a painful tease. All we get is glimpse of the ladies gazing off a balcony pondering if they really want a future with Nick or if they should just take the easy way out and jump. Vanessa steps out of the limo and talks about having her doubts about Nick and if she can continue. Girl honestly when have you not questioned him? There’s a knock at Nick’s door, he opens it. It’s not Vanessa, its Andi Dorfman.
Woo that one was a dooooozy. Until next time! Besos Xoxo.