Let me start by pointing out that what I have been saying since the beginning of this blog has been officially confirmed – Nick Viall is the worst. He has one job and that job is to date women on TV and he is bad at it. So bad at it that ABC/producers announced Rachel as the next Bachelorette while his season of The Bachelor is still airing and she is still a contestant on the show. HE SUCKS SO HARD THEY SPOILED HIS SEASON YOU GUYS. Take a moment to mull that over…
Do you get it? Have you comprehended the level of the worst he has miraculously achieved?
Perfect. Now let’s jump into recapping Nick being the worst…
NEW ISLAND, SAME BULLSH*T
Last week Nick proved to us that the only rule with him as Bachelor is that there are no rules. His formula is – encourage girls to be open, get girls hopes up by taking them on dates and then send them as soon as they tell him their feelings. As much as I want to say, “Well at least he’s being upfront instead of stringing girls along,” the whole premise of this show is to string people along, so again, do better try harder Nick.
Nick meets host Chris B Harrison on the beach for some real talk girl talk. Like the rest of us, CBH has clearly had it up to here with this indecisive, middle-aged child who keeps asking for advice thus disrupting his all-inclusive vacation. “Listen bro, this is your fourth run around BachelorLand. Of course you are terrified about not making genuine connections and to be honest you should be. Every date you’ve been on the past 3 years has been forced and televised. Your grasp on relationships is so skewed and unrealistic that there’s no way you could possibly make the right decision under these circumstances. However, you knew that’s what you were getting into when you signed up, so I’m going to need you to stop crying. We have $5,000 worth of long stem roses wilting in the back of a truck because you haven’t held a rose ceremony since ‘Nam. Get it the f*ck together.”
Back at the compound, Nick’s six remaining sister wives are still in Limbo after Nick bombarded them with uncertainty the previous night. Their beloved second-rate Ryan Reynolds rejoins them in the morning apologizing for having a slight meltdown in front of them. He explains that after a good cry sesh, some soul-searching and a deep talk with his contractual BFF he’s decided that he sees wifey potential in all the remaining ladies (or at the very least some hotties he’d like to bone in the fantasy suites) and has decided to move forward with this journey! The girlfriends beam with joy. He then makes an announcement for everyone to pack their bags because their tour for finding an island that will legally allow polygamy will be heading next to Bimini!
Trying to pronounce Bimini makes me feel like Nemo when he’s trying to explain to his stingray teacher what type of home he lives in. “What island does The Bachelor take his dates?” “A Binim-ni-min-mi Bi-mini-mi-ni-mi-mi.” “Okay don’t hurt yourself. Welcome aboard explorer!”
ONE-ON-ONE WITH VANESSA
The first date card reads “Let’s go deeper…” and Vanessa begins doing Kegel exercises to properly prepare for the day’s events. She meets Nick on a yacht and they set sail into the crystal blue waters of the Caribbean. They sunbathe and talk about their feelings while I hope pirates will arrive soon to ransack the vessel and throw one and/or both of them overboard so I don’t have to hear this boring conversation anymore. They arrive at the wreckage of an old ship and seize this as the perfect opportunity to snorkel and explore each other’s mouths. The amount of underwater making out that occurs makes me sick to my stomach, not only because it’s obnoxious but it just couldn’t possibly be a pleasant experience. Not inhaling the ocean is hard enough when you’re not sucking someone’s face. I can only imagine how badly their nostrils and lungs are burning. It must’ve been effective though because Vanessa admits that in this moment she realizes she’s falling in love with Nick. She’s made out with Nick post-vomit and with a mouth full of salt water and he still seems to like her, so more power to her.
Vanessa realizes during their dinner that she’s come to the point in the season where she needs to start opening up, aka emotionally fluffing Nick with keywords that convince him he should choose her to marry him. She gets vulnerable, telling him that their relationship is so effortless and amazing that she has feelings for him that she hasn’t felt for years. Nick politely listens and nods as she spills her heart and soul. Once she’s done he gives her the most uncomfortable, half-ass response I’ve ever heard, which is saying a lot in regards to this douche canoe. He essentially says, “Yeah. Thanks. That’s awesome. I really, really like you. So thank you.” No surprise that this doesn’t sit very well with Vanessa, but instead of chewing him out she goes about the situation like a lady by giving him the death stare and an uncomfortable 10 seconds of silence to relay her discontent. She might as well have said “it’s fine. It’s not f*cking fine, but it’s fine.” The date ends awkwardly with Vanessa sulking from the sting of unrequited love and Nick saying nothing because he doesn’t know how to diffuse an upset woman. If she wins the final rose (which I’m banking on) I see a lot of passive aggressive fights in their future.
THREE-ON-ONE WITH THAT’S SO RAVEN, PLATINUM VAGINE CORRINE AND PRINCESS ANASTASIA
This week’s three-on-one is the only date that Nick will have a rose to give out, which means one of these three will know by the end of the day if they get to bring an aluminum sponge used to clean pots and pans home to meet momma! They board a yacht, probably the same yacht he was just making out with Vanessa on the day before because the rental had a two day minimum and ABC doesn’t think Nick is worth spending the extra cash to plan another date. They all sit awkwardly until Nick gets pervy and says “who needs sunscreen,” then proceeds to rub SPF 30 into Kristina’s upper thigh while his other two girlfriends watch. Corinne, who’s the only girl at this point who hasn’t had a one-on-one date, gets peanut butter and jealous seeing Nick and Kristina’s connection. Raven on the other hand is surprisingly laid back, just like she was during the volleyball group date from hell. I like Raven because she’s the type who can go from “that’s chill,” when her boyfriend is nearly finger banging another chick right in front of her to “I’ll beat you over the head with a stiletto,” when her boyfriend is actually banging another girl right in front of her. As Rae Sremmurd says, get a girl who can do both.
They drop anchor and Nick tells them that they’re all going to be snorkeling, but instead of exploring a ship wreck they get to attempt to not get eaten in shark infested waters. I’m not joking, they’re actually trying to feed 3 of the 6 remaining participants to the sharks. Nick is really getting creative with his eliminations.
Raven is fearless and says she’ll punch a shark in the face if she has to. Corinne is plotting a way for her top to accidentally fall off into ocean in effort to grab Nick’s attention. Kristina decides she did not escape communist Russia to go out like this and lasts all about 2 minutes in open water before swimming back to the boat where there’s an open bar. Girl sames! When Nick sees Kristina on the yacht he goes to comfort her thus leaving his other two girlfriends to swim around aimlessly as shark bait while he shoves his tongue down Kristina’s throat. It was the best 5 minutes of television I’ve ever witnessed. It even surpasses the date on Ben’s season when all the girls were assaulted and nearly drowned to death by wild pigs.
See here – https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=e8iMJC9tQYg
Fast forward to the three-on-one cocktail hour where Raven talks about her family, Kristina & Nick cry again and a forever buzzed Corinne points out to Nick that she’s the only girl who hasn’t had a one-on-one while Vanessa, Danielle M and Rachel are going on their second. Nick can’t flat out tell her that he’s keeping her around because he knows she brings in ratings, however he doesn’t ever want to be trapped in a room alone with her. Instead he feeds her some generic crap saying that he knows it’s hard, but she needs to remember that she’s still here for a reason. Corinne’s hopes are brought up only for them to be immediately bashed back into the ground when Nick gives Raven the group date rose, which is surprising considering he abandoned her in the ocean to make out with Kristina. This is why I have trust issues.
ONE-ON-ONE WITH DANIELLE MEH
A little refresher, Danielle M received the first one-on-one date back in week 2. During that date she and Nick got personal when she confided in him that she found her fiancé after he overdosed a few years prior and it’s been hard for her to find love ever since. They seemed to have a great, genuine connection.
For today’s one-on-one date they start things off with a casual bike ride around the island. All is going well until they have to actually talk to one another.
Nick – “so uh hometowns…”
Danielle – “yeah.”
*silence and staring
Nick – “Wisconsin right?”
Danielle – “yeah. I was thinking maybe my family’s cabin.”
*silence and staring
Nick – “cool”
*silence and staring
Both of them could’ve used recruitment school training that goes over how to handle awkward conversations on info night. Cue me screaming at the tv “Ask him what his favorite historical figure is! Ask if he believes in the Loch Ness monster! Something! Anything!” Off camera Nick voices his concerns about their inability to have a substantial conversation. Danielle is completely oblivious and thinks things are just peachy. Danielle M is in my final 4, but I have a feeling she might as well change her name to Danielle L because she’s definitely going to be taking an L in the next few minutes.
At dinner the inevitable happens. Like the Danielle before her she doesn’t see the signs that Nick is not picking up what she’s putting down and goes full-blown emotionally slutty. She expresses how much she cares and implies that she has stronger feelings for Nick, a guy she’s dated for 5 weeks and has shared with 25 other women, than her dead fiancé. Nick stares at her like a deer in the headlights, contemplating how to put her down easy. The sorrowful music begins to play as Nick tells Danielle that she’s great but his heart isn’t in the same place, so she needs to kindly GTFO. With tears in her eyes she quietly responds, “not great enough.” Ow, my heart.
Danielle returns from her date sobbing hysterically to pack up her things and say goodbye to her brothel mates.
FORCED ONE-ON-ONE DATE WITH CORINNE
Corinne is shaken by another girl biting the dust and is tired of waiting on Nick to officially ask her for alone time, so she takes matters into her own hands. That’s right people, the time has FINALLY come for us to see how Corinne’s Platinum Vagine goes about seducing Nick! She straps on a pair of Louboutins and stumbles her way across the marble hotel lobby. I’m not sure if a) she’s drunk, b) the stilettos aren’t properly broken in, c) she’s just naturally uncoordinated or d) all of the above (100% d), but watching her try to put one foot in front of the other is almost as painful as all the crappy dates we’ve had to sit through up to this point.
She knocks on Nick’s door and he’s surprised to see her. She asks if she can come in and he politely accepts. It takes all about 45 seconds before Corinne hops on him like a spider monkey and they start playing tonsil hockey. They then make their way to the bedroom. The door is closed, but thanks to the beauty of reality television they are still mic’ed so we get the pleasure of hearing a bunch of saliva swapped and the unzipping of a zipper. Nick tells Corinne he doesn’t think this is a good idea then walks her out of the room. Nick’s morals: 1, Platinum Vagine: 0, Corrine’s dignity: -68.
ONE-ON-ONE WITH RACHEL
Rachel gets the final one-on-one date and it’s super uneventful. They go to a “local spot” aka another gross tiki bar with an insightful bartender who gives them love advice. Even the producers think their date is boring because they only show a couple minutes of it before Rachel returns to the villa gushing about how great her date was. Yawn.
After his date with Rachel, Nick approaches CBH to let him know he’s made a decision on who’s going home and instead of having a rose ceremony he wants to go to the villa to talk to reject her directly. Chris rolls his eyes and sends the florist home for the 9th time this season. Nick walks into the girl’s villa and everyone is on edge. He asks where Kristina is.
Really Nick? You’re sending home the orphan that you have the strongest emotional connection with and keeping the psycho who you won’t even let give you a BJ? …Makes sense.
He sits down Kristina and explains to her that he has a love for her but he’s not in love with her, and she deserves someone who doesn’t care about 5 other girls more than her. She tells him that he didn’t give her a chance, but girl yeah he did. He’s given you a one-on-one and left his other 2 girlfriends to be mutilated by Bull sharks to hang out with you. The problem is that the entire country wants to meet nanny Raquel and with everything going on with Putin and the election it’s best for Nick not to f*ck around with Russia right now. The remaining ladies say goodbye to Kristina as she hyperventilates while packing her bags.
Next up – HOMETOWN DATES!