Tom Brady and the Patriots aren’t the only ones who shook America this week. Honestly, what the actual hell happened on The Bachelor? I felt like Jacobim Mugatu taking crazy pills! Let’s recap…
Week 6 started off with Taylor hijacking a hover boat to bust out of the bayou she was abandoned on during the two-on-one date. She vows to approach Nick one last time to speak her truth, because nothing screams emotional intelligence like not being able to take no for an answer. Taylor interrupts Nick and Corinne’s date with a classic “Can I talk to you for a minute?” Nick reluctantly excuses himself to talk with Jafar Taylor about why she isn’t his diamond in the rough. He explains that although Corinne might’ve accused Taylor of being a big, mean swamp monster that’s not the reason he sent her home. He just naturally has a stronger connection with Corinne because she dry humps him on the reg and lets him eat dessert off her tatas. Meanwhile, Corinne is alone at the dinner table chugging champagne and complaining about Taylor stealing Nick during her alone time with him, which is hilarious considering that’s all she did was swoop during the first 3 episodes. Taylor eventually takes the L, picks up the tiny sliver of her dignity she has left and says goodbye. Nick goes back to Corinne and they make out. In all honesty, Corrine is high key insane, but she owns it. I think Nick genuinely likes her because she spends her time entertaining him and having fun rather than being boring, sentimental and/or moody like all the other girls in the house, which is why he keeps her around. Real recognize real.
Editor’s note: I’m pretty sure I’ve been spelling Corinne’s name wrong for the past 6 weeks. My b.
Chris B. Harrison tells the remaining 12 ladies that Nick has decided to cancel the pregame cocktail party and they will head straight into the rose ceremony without having the opportunity to talk to him. This pretty much translates to – “He has no desire to dick around and pretend he even wants to entertain you.” It’s a sad day that we all saw coming, but none of us could ever be fully prepared for… Alexis the DolphShark was finally sent home. The sounds of anguished cries and shattering wine glasses echo across the nation, but we can all take comfort knowing that this is not goodbye. She will surely live on and thrive in paradise (Bachelor in Paradise that is). Nick also gave the boot to former lesbian Jaimi and crazy-eyed Josephine. The remaining brothel occupants, Corinne, Rachel, Danielle M, Danielle L, Raven, Jasmine, Kristina and who the f*ck is Whitney, are told to pack their bags once again because they will all be heading to the beautiful Caribbean destination of St. Thomas!
ONE-ON-ONE WITH PRINCESS ANASTASIA KRISTINA
You’d think that after sending Alexis home ABC would know the viewers are emotionally fragile and we’d need some type of buffer before hitting us in the feels again. They didn’t buffer. Instead they give us a one-on-one date with Kristina that ruins us all. For those of you who don’t know, Kristina is a gorgeous dental hygienist with a strong Russian accent. We learn that while growing up her family rarely had anything to eat, at times she was so hungry she would eat lipstick. She was kicked out by her own mother at age 6 and grew up in a Russian orphanage until age 12 when she was adopted by an American family. Kristina cries, Nick cries, I most def cry. Kristina gets the rose for being probably the most open, honest and inspiring human to ever be on this show. Yet another contestant who’s way too wholesome and wonderful for this douche cannon.
Meanwhile at the hotel, the 8 remaining sister wives discover that there’s one group date and another two-on-one date this week. Back to back two-on-one dates is rare, and to make things weirder it’s between Danielle L, who’s previously had a great one-on-one with Nick and even told him she’s falling in love, and Whitney, who has still yet to say a single word. They are all also introduced to Lorna, their personal servant while they’re in St. Thomas. Corinne’s eyes light up like a damn Christmas tree and immediately utilizes Lorna to cater to her privilege.
Back in Miami, Raquel is scorned with betrayal and is throwing batches of cheese pasta and cucumbers at the TV.
GROUP DATE – THERE’S NO CRYING IN BASEBALL, BUT THERE’S A LOT OF CRYING IN BEACH VOLLEYBALL
We go from the most genuine one-on-one date with Kristina to the most petty and self-deprecating group date of all time. Everything starts seemingly playful and fun. The gang slams back several shots of tequila, plays some games on the beach and Nick roams around like a baby dinosaur. Then Rachel, Danielle M, Vanessa, Jasmine, Raven and Corinne are forced to partake in a sand volleyball match. Nick obviously chooses to watch and keep score because sweating combined with the tropical humidity does unsavory things to his already pube-like mane.
Serious question, who thought that having a bunch of drunk girls play competitive sports would be a good date idea? Have they never witnessed sororities during Greek Week or Derby Days? I have firsthand and let me tell ya – it’s a damn mess, and usually entails a lot of tears and/or bloodshed. Needless to say, I wasn’t the least bit surprised when things began to spiral into an emotional tail spin. One moment they’re having a grand ol’ time shanking balls out of bounds, the next moment everyone is inexplicably sobbing in different corners of the beach…well almost everyone…Corinne took a shot alone then laid herself down for a nap. Anyways, I don’t know if something happened and the producers just didn’t show it in the episode or the sun and booze drove them to the brink of insanity, but the whole thing was over-dramatic and confusing. The best part by far was Jasmine blatantly shoving Corinne’s drunk *ss to the ground mid-match.
Speaking of Jasmine, she had a meltdown during the cocktail hour and it was glorious. During the entire beach date she was passive aggressively complaining how she’s the only girl who’s not been on a one-on-one date or won a rose on the six group dates she’s been on (apparently Whitney is so irrelevant that even her fellow cast mates forget she’s still there). After a day filled with sulking and beating up Corinne, she decides to cut the passive out of passive aggressive and just gets plain aggressive. When she finally gets alone time with Nick she decides to surpass the normal approach of being like, “Hey, I just want you to know that I really like you, but I’m feeling left out. I’d love to take this time to talk about what we need to do to deepen our connection.” Instead she yells at him for not liking her then says, “You make me so mad I just want to put you in a chokey,” THEN WRAPS HER HANDS AROUND HIS DAMN NECK PRETENDING TO CHOKE HIM! NOT JUST ONCE, BUT THREE TIMES!!!
The girl who brought engagement rings and cried on night one ends up being the conductor of the crazy train, whodathunkit? I have only heard the term “chokey” used for the scary closet in Miss Trunchbull’s office so I’m not sure if it was supposed to be a Matilda reference or something sexual, either way it was a hard swing and a miss. Nick is straight up terrified and not okay with her putting his hands on him, however he handled it in a surprisingly calm fashion. Instead of calling security on Jasmine for going borderline BTK he politely tells her he doesn’t think they have a future together and she should kindly GTFO. I don’t know what we did as viewers to bear witness to such a pivotal breaking point, but Jasmine went out in a truly epic fashion and for that I am exceedingly grateful. I can only hope her and Chad find each other someday because I think they could make a great couple.
TWO-ON-ONE WITH DANIELLE L AND WHO THE F*CK IS WHITNEY
Just when you think there couldn’t be any more discomfort packed into one episode, the USS Awkward sails onward to Nick’s two-on-one with Danielle L and WTFIW. They arrive via helicopter on a very thin island with a bed in the middle that will soon be engulfed by the tide and wash away the loser of Nick’s affections. Whitney and Nick have an unsubstantial conversation where he tells her she’s beautiful and calming. Whitney says, “thank you,” which I don’t see playing out well for her. Her mystery is what has kept her around to this point and with those two words she might as well be an open book. He then pulls aside Danielle L and she tells him that since their one-on-one date she’s been imagining a future together. Nick tells the cameras that in that moment he realized there’s a big difference between his relationship with Danielle L and Whitney. Really, Chia Pet? You JUST NOW are realizing there’s a difference between the girl you spent an entire day running around your hometown with and the girl who you literally just had your first conversation with? God, he’s the worst.
Nick approaches Whitney who’s lounging on the beach bed, which will soon be her only mode of transportation home so I hope she brought a paddle. He explains in his most sympathetic lisp that he has a stronger connection with Danielle L. and she should kindly GTFO. While Nick was having his convo with Danielle L. Ursula the sea witch must’ve thrown Whitney the seashell necklace containing her voice because this girl finally has something to say. “I think it’s easy to let a relationship evolve more if you spend more time with the other person…Do you honestly think Danielle is ready for a relationship?” I can almost feel Nick holding back his eye roll. He’s obviously over these broad’s lack of understanding on how this show works. I think he forgets that unlike him they haven’t been professional reality TV daters for the past 3 years. “Listen brunette girlfriend #12, this isn’t about Danielle L. This about you and how after six weeks the only words I can use to describe you are ‘pretty and boring.’ This shouldn’t come off as that much of a surprise to you.” Nick and Danielle board the helicopter and fly off to their next location. Meanwhile the St. Thomas Department of Agriculture and Wildlife is reporting thousands of dead fish washing onto the shores due to a dangerous rise of sodium levels in the Carribean Sea. The only explanation for the phenomenon is Whitney’s saltiness.
Nick and Danielle L sit down for another romantic candle lit presentation of food they can’t eat dinner. Danielle is in a blissful state because she’s the last one standing. Home girl may I remind you that you have not been given the rose yet? Tread lightly. The pair begin describing their ideal relationships and Nick describes his as, “adventurous and raw,” which makes me nauseous, but once again explains his appeal to Corinne and her vagina. Danielle, who is completely obtuse to Nick’s despondent vibes, decides to take the bold, but rarely effective, emotionally slutty route. She tells him once again how she’s falling deeply in love with him. Nick’s head is down during this entire interaction, refusing to make eye contact as she continues to spill her heart…it’s painful to watch. She finishes her spiel and holds his hand tightly, her eyes filled with hope and adoration. This poor girl has obviously never been broken up with before and has no idea what’s about to happen. Nick finally lifts his head and gives her a blank stare that I can only describe as the look a teacher gives to failing student who’s desperately begging to pass.
After an awkward silence, Nick picks up the rose and tells her “I wanted it to be you, but hearing you say those words, I know in my heart I don’t feel them back and I can’t give you this rose.” Someone call the doctor because Danielle L is going to need some skin-graphs after that burn, and I may even need some aloe vera just to soothe the sting of witnessing it. Nick walks a tearful Danielle L to the limo and she departs.
Back at the penthouse, the remaining ladies are shocked when a producer silently grabs Danielle L’s luggage from the doorway, which is the universal Bachelor code for, “she gone.” Side note: How does one get the job as the two-on-one date luggage grabber? Is there a certain certification I need? If anyone knows, hit me up. I can’t lift more than 7 lbs, but I am really good at being dramatic so I feel like it could be an ideal career fit.
Soon after, Nick walks into the girl’s penthouse unannounced. At this point he has sent home an unprecedented 6 girls in a week. One of those girls being someone he had a lot of alone time with and seemed to have a genuine connection. Nick’s going rogue, and everyone is uneasy about it. In true b*tch *ss fashion, he sits down and begins sobbing in front of ladies. In between the rush of tears and snot (as if it’s not hard enough to understand him normally) he expresses his fears that this process might not work for him and that he’s wasting everyone’s time. Nick declares he doesn’t know if he can do it anymore and hastily leaves the ladies in a pool filled with uncertainty and the blood of their fallen comrades.
The emotional roller coaster finally comes to a halt and ABC hits us with yet another “to be continued…” which seems overplayed at this point. To be honest, I’m actually drained just having to write this recap, but I cannot freaking wait to see what happens next week because it looks like there’s a long overdue sexual assault by Corinne! Yay!
Until next time! Besos xoxo