Welcome to week 5’s recap of Stuttering for Love The Bachelor. The episode begins where last week’s left off – with a Taylor and Platinum Vagine Corrine bonfire cat fight in BFWisconsin. Mental health counselor Taylor is trying desperately to psycho analyze PVC for her research paper, stating that Corrine lacks emotional intelligence and maturity. The amount of times “emotional intelligence” is said is unreal, therefore I’m going to keep count and turn it into a drinking game. Corrine deflects her own instability and turns everything Taylor, calling her out for having a constant stank face and not being nice to the other girls. My friend Katie sent me this picstich showing the uncanny resemblance of Taylor and Jafar from Aladdin which I think is relevant to include right now…
The conversation boils down to Corrine stating – I know I’m bat shit, but at least I’m not a condescending b*tch like you. It’s interesting because all this time it seemed like Corrine was the most hated in the house, but now it looks like it may actually be Taylor? Plot twist. In Corrine’s interview she is obnoxiously yelling and carelessly throwing around her full wine glass, which makes me realize that she is basically me at an open bar wedding. I don’t know if I should be proud or re-evaluate my life.
This rose ceremony was filled with shockers –
- Whitney got the first rose and I’m like “When the f*ck did we get a Whitney?” She’s so pretty and tan that she hasn’t even had to say two words in the past 5 episodes to get a rose. #Blessed
- Alexis and Josephine are still holding strong! I am not at all mad about it because their subtle comedic relief is Grade A entertainment, but usually the weird, fun girls don’t make it past week 3. Even Josephine looks genuinely shocked when her quirky ass gets a rose. Sidenote: if you haven’t already I would highly recommend following on Alexis on Instagram for this video she posted alone – https://instagram.com/p/BPta6mdgYdk/
- Jaimi gets a rose…how? Why? THE HECK, NICK?
- Corrine and Taylor get the last two roses. You can tell on Nick’s face that he really didn’t want to give Taylor a rose, but when the producers see an opportunity for a 2-on-1 from hell they will not pass it up.
- Sarah and Astrid are sent home. I guess Astrid leaving isn’t that shocking because she didn’t have much personality to her, but she still had more screen time than Whitney. She did resemble Vanessa so maybe Nick was tired of trying to distinguish the two. However, Sarah going home? Devastating. I’ve been banking on her getting a group date rose every week because she’s just so damn cute. She looked like the saddest abandoned puppy. In that moment I wanted to murder Nick. How dare he send the adorable human Polly Pocket human home! HOW. DARE!
Nick says that this rose ceremony was “the hardest yet” which is what he says after every rose ceremony. He tells his harem that it’s time to warm up and that they’re all going to New Orleans!
ONE-ON-ONE WITH RACHEL
Rachel, the civil litigation lawyer who earned Nick’s first impression rose, finally gets her shot at a one-on-one date. After the date card is read one of the girls say “You better bring us all back some beignets!” Rachel flatly responded, “I’m not bringing y’all anything back,” and then all everyone just awkwardly laughs. I’m not going to lie, Rachel is intimidating and a little scary. Despite her zero f*cks given attitude towards the ladies, Rachel shows up to her date giddy as a school girl to see Nick. Not sure why considering the first half of their date they just walk around a flea market as Nick says stupid sh*t like “You look smart,” when she puts on glasses and “I want to eat you,” as he picks up a gator head. Do better, try harder, Nick. Also, who had the genius idea to have Nick a a beignet on national television?
The pair then start dancing in the streets of New Orleans to a second line. Rachel proves that not only is she a force to be reckoned within the legal system, but she can also shake it like a salt shaker. Nick tries to bump and grind too, but it ends up looking like an 8th grade dance where the guy just stands there and prays he doesn’t get a boner. Their date ends with them getting dinner in a warehouse filled with terrifying Mardi Gras floats. Nick describes one of the floats “as cool as it is creepy,” kind of like you, huh Brillo? They start talking about Rachel’s dad who’s a federal judge. She tells Nick that he has to call her dad “sir.” He then asks her, “What do you call him?” “Daddy.” And you can call me uncomfortable. Rachel also tells Nick the last time she was in New Orleans it was for a funeral, and it was during that time that she realized she needed to live a more full life and take chances, hence why she’s on The Bachelor. All I know is that if a family member passed away and I used them as an excuse to join a reality dating show they’d be rolling in their grave. “Um no. You’re just really thirsty and desperate for attention don’t put this on me, home girl.” They both proclaim how much they like each other then shove their tongues down each other’s throats. Nick gives Rachel the rose.
To be transparent, I was very drunk while watching this episode and I’d like to share that in my notes I literally wrote “the ghost date is the ducking WORST q” so if you needed any indicator as to how it went – there it is. Since they’re in New Orleans and Nick is unoriginal this group date entails Raven, Vanessa, Danielle M, Danielle L, Jasmine, Jaimi, Alexis, Josephine and Whitney (why are there still SO MANY girls?!) going to a sketchy plantation for some second-rate Blair Witch Project bullsh*t. The producers took inspiration from Scary Movie 2 when selecting the care taker who showed the group around the house and explained the back story of the resident ghost, May, who died of yellow fever as a small child and is now damned to a life of 18th wheeling Nick’s half-assed date.
Meanwhile at the penthouse suite, Corrine and Taylor are both prepping themselves for their battle to the death 2-on-1 date. Corrine continues to prove herself as the basic bitch spirit animal by giving herself a facial, pouring herself a bubble bath, ordering unnecessary amounts of room service and doing an awful job trying to pop champagne. Taylor continues to prove herself as an insufferable know-it-all by meditating and covering herself in essential oils while continuously criticizing Corrine’s lack of emotional intelligence (which has been said 10 times at this point btw).
Back at the plantation everyone is turning up and taunting the ghosts, because if you’ve seen any episode of Ghost Adventures you know that’s exactly what you do during a lock-in. Jasmine touched a haunted hat so the producers are knocking over antiques and cutting the power to mess with the girls. Jaimi, the former lesbian who I am pretty sure has hazed Nick into keeping her on this long, is getting way too into the date and says “Let’s do this sh*t. I wanna get in the moment. Let’s get freaked out!” And Nick’s like, “Jaimi calm down. This is my slumber party with my girlfriend’s and we will do what I want to do!” Both Danielle L and Raven are reeking of desperation coming off their one-on-one date’s last week and both confess they’ve been bit by the love bug. Raven says she fell in love with him after he sang “Kiss the Girl” from Little Mermaid while they were roller blading. The best part is that confessing their love earned neither of them the group date rose, which I’m sure was a blow to the ego. Danielle M gets the rose after having to endure a weird tickle fight with Nick, because if people hated tickle fights as children I bet they come off as super romantic once you pass 30. The group date finally comes to a close, and if you listen carefully you can hear the faint sound of May’s spirit yelling, “GTFO, douchebag!”
2-ON-1 WITH CORRINE AND TAYLOR
Last but certainly not least, the main event: Corrine VS Taylor Romp in the Swamp. I don’t know what season it is in Louisiana, but I have an eerie feeling that they should prep the levys because Hurricane Corrine is about to strike.
The two ladies are greeted by Nick on the bayou and are forced into a pontoon boat with one of the cast members from Swamp Wars. I suddenly find myself hoping and praying that the winner of this date will be determined by which one of these broads can trap and shoot the most gators. Taylor would use passive aggressive mind games to lure in the man eaters, Corrine would tie Raquel to a mossy tree and use her as live bait. To my disappointment there’s no gators or guns, instead they join a voodoo priestess and her cult who are summoning demons on the beach. Could’ve sworn I caught a glimpse of Lafayette from True Blood. How close do you think they are to Van Temps? Taylor sits down with the tarot card reader and we learn that she’s a water sign which makes her emotionally intuitive. I’m a water sign too, so I know this is code for “Sometimes I have a lot of feelings and over-analyze everyone and everything around me.” Meanwhile Corrine, with her fabulous hair and heinous light wash Hollister jeans, is giving Nick the run-down of how Taylor’s been a mean girl and bully. Naturally she blows everything out of proportion, just like her lips. I’m not saying that Taylor doesn’t deserve it because she sucks and probably does deserve it, but Corrine is a manipulative brat and it irks me.
Corrine then joins the tarot card reader while Nick sits down for Taylor’s side of the story. Nick askes Taylor what’s her beef with Corrine. Taylor goes on yet another rant about emotional intelligence bringing the total count to 15. Nick doesn’t care and I’m very drunk. Jump scene to the tarot card reader telling Corrine she’s assertive and confrontational. In response to this Corrine asks the tarot card reader on how she can make a voodoo doll of Taylor. As dusk approaches on the swamp we watch Corrine gazing out into the abyss while stabbing a clothing pin through Taylor’s heart. It’s a cinematic masterpiece.
The girls sit awkwardly at the table one final time as Nick decides whether he’s going to pick one of these psychos or just call it a night and throw himself into the gator infested waters. Taylor approaches Corrine about being a deceitful, manipulative hoe, “Their relationship will be built off of whipped cream and lies,” which is almost a better quote than Corrine comparing her napping to that of Michael Jordan and Abraham Lincoln. No surprise, Nick chooses Platinum Vagine Corrine. The two love birds board the hover boat leaving Taylor alone on the swamp bank to contract Zika virus. Corrine makes out with Nick, grabbing to his neck with one hand and holding onto the rose and voodoo doll in the other. The degree of pettiness is palpable. Taylor refuses to go down that easily though. After taking part in a satanic ritual on the beach, Taylor, who’s now channeling Enchantress from Suicide Squad, walks several miles in the dark declaring, “I am the water sign! I am the one who is emotionally intuitive and aware!” I now feel so embarrassed for myself in regards to every time I’ve talked about astrology. Enchantress Taylor then barges in and interrupts Corrine and Nick’s date. ABC hits us with yet another “To Be Continued…”
That’s it for this week’s recap! As always be sure to share this recap and/or force everyone you know to become a Bachelor fan. Until next time.