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Recapping The Bachelor – week 4

Hello readers. My sincerest apologies for the delay of posting the week 4 blog. I’ve been a little busy the past week getting my editor in chief (aka sister) married in Puerto Vallarta, so if this recap is a little messy just know it’s because I edited this post while coming off a 6 day bender and I can’t really see straight.

Anyways, how about week 4’s episode you guys? Gotta say that it was as exciting as a date in Milwaukee. That’s because it was a bunch of boring dates in Milwaukee. Let’s just jump right into it…
This episode starts where we left off last week, with Vanessa chewing out Nick about his inappropriate behavior in Corrine’s bouncy castle (not a metaphor, they were actually hooking up in a children’s bounce house). Vanessa tells him that she’s questioning if he’s really looking for love or if he’s just here to f*ck around. Nick’s response is a blank stare mixed in with the occasional “uh” and “yeah,” its hard-hitting, riveting stuff. Vanessa tells him that if Corrine gets a rose she may leave. Ultimatums – the way to scare your way into a man’s heart. To be honest, I just find it funny that all these girls have such an issue with Corrine being a hoe when Nick’s spent more time sucking all the contestant’s faces than actually conversing with them. Like he’s the bachelor, this is literally his job. Let him live!

Meanwhile, Sarah and Taylor awake Platinum Vagine Corrine from her 7th nap of the day and they’re like “Girl, you’re kind of crazy and you need to get it together. Dry humping our boyfriend in front of his 17 girlfriends is not okay.” Corrine finds this disrespectful because they have interrupted her by sloth slumber and she hasn’t even had time to consume her next tequila and Vicodin. Therefore, she is not in the mood to discuss her behavior and pulls the Mariah Carey “Why are you so obsessed with me?” card. Now that I think about it…has anyone seen Mariah Carey and Corrine in the same room? If Mariah’s NYE performance was any clue I’d say the likelihood of them being the same human is very high.

ROSE CEREMONY

Brittany (Eve from episode 2) and Christen (bootleg Belle who broke girl code and told Nick she knew about his history with and Liz) were sent home. No one cared.

Surprisingly DolphShark Alexis and hotdog, slap-slinging Josephine are both still in the game. I have a feeling that Alexis singing happy birthday to her fake boobs and Josephine singing an improvised/slightly terrifying song about Nick last episode are the reasons they’ve both stuck around this far. If 2017 has taught us anything so far it’s that a good musical number will always cultivate winners – example: La La Land.

Corrine looks unstable like she is going to pass out mid-ceremony and  is also given a rose because, duh, it’s only week 4 and producers know for damn sure that Nick’s personality alone can’t drag this season along. The rest of the girls are clearly not happy, but no one storms off, yells “what the hell?” or throws their champagne in Corrine’s face when she makes a half-assed toast to the group. Ladies, THIS is why she’s still around! C’mon stir up some drama, show some gumption, give us something to work with!

GLOBAL DESTINATION = WISCONSIN(?)

Next morning Chris B Harrison joins the 15 remaining ladies in the living room and congratulates them on giving up their self-respect and dignity to get to this point. To reward them he tells them to pack their bags because this season is taking them global, “You’re going to Nick’s hometown of Milwaukee, Wisconsin!” CBH watches with a sadistic grin as the hopes of an exotic, tropical destination drains from girl’s eyes and they pretend to be excited to go to state that’s biggest claim to fame is waterparks and Jojo’s Fiancé’s brother.

In Wisconsin Nick meets up with his parents to discuss how his adventure to find love is looking promising. His mom breaks out into tears, I don’t know if it’s because she’s emotional about her 36-year-old boy finally settling down or because she’s excited to get the ABC camera crews out of her face, probs both. Nick cries too because he’s Nick Viall and crying is HIS thing and he will not let his own mother outshine him.

ONE-ON-ONE DATE WITH DANIELLE L.

Danielle L. gets the first one-on-one date. Nick and DL go into a cookie shop that sells Nickerdoodles, which are snickerdoodle cookies with a frosting portrait of Nick’s face. I personally like the name Nickerdoodle because it sounds like a crossbreed between human named Nick and a poodle, which is exactly what he looks like/is.

After they frost cookies and make out in front of an uncomfortable pastry chef they continue their tour of Nick’s small hometown. It’s so small in fact that they coincidentally run into his ex-girlfriend who, even more coincidentally, is already mic-ed up. “Oh my god, this is so random.” – Nick trying his best Ja’mie private school girl impression. The trio talk for 5 minutes and it’s uneventful.  “It’s so great to see Nick still gets along with his ex-girlfriends,” Danielle says to the camera while internally praying the next stop on this weird date involves a yacht on Lake Michigan. Nick has something better in mind, they make out at his high school on the same field he lost his virginity. He assures her it’s not weird though because it’s not the exact same spot. I’d also like to point out that they’re sitting in the grass while it’s pouring rain which can’t be comfortable for anyone, especially Nick’s chia pet hair that’s growing by the minute. They then go to dinner and talk about Danielle’s PTSD from her parent’s divorce then Nick gives her a rose.

GROUP DATE – OLD NICKDONALD HAD A FARM

I assume Chris Soules was brought on as this week’s Romance Coordinator because next up is a group date that involved taking 13 beautiful girls to a dairy farm. I know what you’re thinking, “Um jealous. Free cheese!” But these girls have to work for the cheddar, literally. To start things off Nick tries to milk a cow, but like most things he fails miserably at it and produces nothing. Cue Jaimi, who if you remember from last week is “not trying to be the lesbian,” pushing Nick out of the way and starts milking the cow like it’s her day job. “Why am I not even surprised?” – Actual quote by Nick. We were all thinking of it, he said it.

As if having to put up with Nick’s sh*t isn’t enough, next the ladies have to shovel a bunch of actual animal sh*t into a wheelbarrow. Surprise, Corrine wants zero part of these festivities and decides to sit out and watch. She complains that she would rather be at a spa being fed a taco. I won’t insert another Jaimi joke here because it’s too easy.

Per usual everyone is pissed off and annoyed with Corrine. At the post-date cocktail hour she senses the tension and decides to drive her petty cab right up to the ladies encouraging them “If you have a problem with me, let’s clear the air!” Sarah, who did have a problem with Corrine and tried talking to her about it but Corrine refused to listen, speaks up again asking if Corrine honestly thinks she could see herself getting into a serious relationship with a 36-year-old man. Corrine ignores the question and claims that Sarah is just hating on her because she keeps napping. “Michael Jordan took naps. Abraham Lincoln took naps.” – a quote from Corrine’s interview and is now my new life mantra. Considering making inspirational posters and selling them on etsy. Corrine then tells Nick that she approached the other ladies and she feels like it went really well. Nick gives her a pat on the head like the good doggy she is. It’s weird because they talk and don’t make out, therefore Corrine categorizes it as an “adult conversation.”

Key points from this date –

1) Kristina, the Russian girl gets a rose. Whenever her and Nick have a conversation I actually need subtitles.

2) Everyone still hates Corrine, except Nick and all of America who is obsessed with her.

ONE-ON-ONE DATE WITH RAVEN

Nick and Raven’s date begins with them taking a stroll around his hometown because I guess walking around and shoveling sh*t are the only things to do here. Explains a lot about Nick when you think about it. I really hope Nick and Raven run into the cookie shop owner from a Danielle L’s date so she can ask if they too want to swap saliva in her bakery and earn her another health code violation.

Nick and Raven go to a field to watch his little sister Bella play soccer. What do you think the chances are this is the same field that he lost his virginity and made out with Danielle L? I’m thinking the chances are as high as Corrine. Anyways, Raven and Nick both get the chance to play goalie and she’s like, “this isn’t exactly what I had in mind when I was hoping to have balls near my face today, but I’m having a great time!” She also meets his parents which was the most forced and uncomfortable interaction since the Obama’s greeted the Trump’s at the White House.

No small town date with a dude and his 14-year-old sister is complete with a good ol’ skate train at the local roller rink. The rest of the date goes well. Raven bonds with Bella as Nick interpretive dances in background. He says it’s the best date he’s ever been on. Yikes.Then they get dinner and Raven pronounces in her interview that she is falling in love with Nick. It’s their first date so yikes X 2.

After that we see the girls getting prepped for the rose ceremony and are hit with yet another to be continued because ABC has too entice us to keep watching somehow. A lot of other stuff probably happened this episode but my black outs in Mexico are making things a bit fuzzy, so this will just have to do.

Until next time. Besos Xoxo