For those of you who don’t remember – last week’s episode ended with a dramatic To Be Continued… cliff hanger after Nick gave Liz a one way limo ticket to GTFOVille, USA. He told the other ladies on the group date that he sent her home and that the two had a one night stand at Jade and Tanner’s wedding 9 months previously. Apparently, the girl’s reactions didn’t matter that much because tonight’s episode brushes right over the rest of that date and begins the next morning at the Bachelor mansion. Christen was given the rose for breaking girl code and the juicy news is spreading through the mansion like mouth herpes wild fire!
BEATING A DEAD HORSE & ROSE CEREMONY
To start the night off Nick and his floral print neck tie decide to acknowledge his past relations with Liz in front of the whole house. Please, for the love of Chris B Harrison, PLEASE let this be the last time we have to hear about this. Of course it isn’t. Literally every single one of these needy women has to tell him how shocked they are and express all their feelings, because they’re here for the right reasons dammit and they need to make sure he is too! I’m going to bet this whole plot line has lasted 85 times longer than Nick’s whiskey d*ck that fateful night. He and Danielle L. have a very nice conversation about how her grandparents have been together for 50 years and that’s the type of love she strives for. Meanwhile, I’m doing simple math and think, “Nick will be 50 in 14 short years. Keep dreaming girl.”
Wait, do you hear that sound? It’s the crazy alarm, which means Platinum Vagine Corrine is getting ready for another rampage! Not even ten minutes into week 3 and she’s already naked and on a mission to molest seduce Nick again with her charms. I assume since her nanny isn’t there to wash her dirty clothes she has nothing to wear, which is why she throws on a flimsy trench coat with nothing underneath it for the cocktail party. “I want there to be a sexual, mysterious connection between us,” cue her spraying Reddi Whip on her boobs for Brillo head to lick off. She has about as much mystery to her as an episode of Scooby Doo.
I think it’d be wise of the producers to hide that empty whipped cream canister so Corrine doesn’t start inhaling the aerosol. Nick hits the brakes things escalate and politely leaves to talk with Jasmine. Corrine proceeds to have a temper tantrum that any toddler would be proud of complete with hysterical tears, threatening to go home then passing out and missing the rose ceremony since she already has a rose from last week’s group date. Unprecedented. Raw. Innovative. Just Corrine.
At the rose ceremony, three irrelevant blondes are sent home – the girl who rode a camel, the girl who went commando and some girl who I’ve literally never seen before.
During the break there’s a commercial for Reddi Whip. Too soon ABC, too soon.
GROUP DATE – BACKSTREET’S BACK & READY FOR MEDICARE
The next morning CBH greets the girls in the living room of the Bachelor mansion and drops off the date card, telling them, “we’ve really outdone ourselves this year.” Probably to make up for the fact these girls have to fight for the love of a man who doesn’t annunciate. Suddenly Everybody begins blaring through the mansion and the Backstreet Boys, or some balding dudes that are claiming to be them, enter the room. I couldn’t really hear or comprehend what happened for the next 30 seconds because our viewing party was too busy aggressively fan-girling at deafening levels.
Jasmine, Taylor, Whitney, Kristina, Christen, Danielle L and Corrine get the honor of performing with BSB. It’s a once in a lifetime, incredible opportunity that of course Ms. Mentally Unstable must ruin by crying again because she’s bad at dancing and feels insecure. This may be controversial but people like Corrine are the reason why I don’t blame parents for spanking their children.
The group goes out on stage with the Backstreet Boys and they all perform in front of a crowd of 500 screaming fans. All I can keep thinking about is how livid I would be if I spent money on these tickets only to have to watch bootleg Ryan Reynolds and his sister wives butcher the choreography to my favorite childhood song. It’s probably similar to how people felt when Taylor Swift brought out Pitbull during her 1989 world tour. The middle-aged boy band chooses Danielle L as the girl who had the best moves and as punishment reward she gets to awkwardly slow dance with Nick while being serenaded. The moment is ruined by someone throwing a full can of Pepsi at the couple while screaming “Get off the stage!” Just kidding. I wish though.
The group showers off the sweat and early 2000 nostalgia then reconvene to continue their date with a night of connection and discovery, aka make meaningless small talk with Nick and make fun of Corrine’s life. It’s finally revealed to the other girls that Corrine has a slave nanny who is the only person in her life who knows how to make KRAFT Spongebob mac n’ cheese cheese pasta just how she likes it. Jasmine is blown away by this news, so blown away that she eats sh*t on the cold hard tile while telling it to the other girls. I actually LOL. Nick gives the group date rose to Danielle L. Corrine takes another nap.
VOM-ON-VOM, I mean, ONE-ON-ONE DATE WITH VANESSA
Tonight was the last night to lock in the final four and final rose picks in Fantasy League. After much deliberation, I chose Vanessa as my choice for final rose, so I am nervous and excited to see how this date goes. I get even more nervous when she vomits into a space bag on their zero gravity airplane date. Things still look promising though because after she’s done puking her brains out Nick kisses her and says, “It still tastes fine.” Woof. The producers then interrupt the date so they can use Nick’s absorbent hair to mop up the rest of the mess. ABC will be damned if they are charged a $500 cleanup fee from whatever Uber equivalent they rented this plane from.
Since Vanessa seems to do well with heights, Nick decides to take her to dinner at the highest restaurant on the LA skyline. They seem to have an honest and genuine connection that’s so strong that Nick starts crying (only took him 3 whole episodes) because being with Vanessa makes him believe that this process might actually work for him this time. Atta girl, Vanessa, ATTA GIRL! While holding back his babbling tears Nick asks her if she’ll accept the one-on-one date rose. Vanessa kindly accepts his rose because she vomited and he cried which are key ingredients to any fratastic fairytale romance.
GROUP DATE – THE DESPERATION OLYMPICS
Rio might have ended over four months ago but track is determined to stay relevant, so 3 world-renowned athletes suck up their pride to host a field day for a group of women who couldn’t find love on Tinder, Bumble, Plenty O’ Fish or OkCupid. “I won 9 Olympic Gold Medals. What happened? How did I get here?” Screams the pain in Carl Lewis’ eyes.
Alexis, Sarah, Rachel, Astrid, Jaimi, Brittany and another girl who I’ve literally never seen before named Dominique are the lucky the ladies who are chosen to take part in the Nickathalon (ugh). They are tested for their strength, agility, precision and ability to keep their boobs from spilling out of their sports bras poise. Dominique keeps voicing her concerns that she’s not getting enough attention from Nick. In his defense, he probably has no idea she is even one of his girlfriend’s due to the fact she has never spoke or made eye contact with him. After an underwhelming display of athleticism the top contenders are Alexis, Rachel and Astrid, but only one of them can take a dip with Nick in the resident track and field Jacuzzi and contract a nasty yeast infection. The girls run head to head in a dramatic 100M dash. Rachel has an astounding lead over the other two, however she is too eager and knocks over the large plastic ring needed to cross the finish line. In the end Astrid and her well-endowed rack come out on top. As she makes out with Nick in the warm cesspool, whilst still fully clothed in her active wear, Astrid makes a mental note to write a thank you letter to Kate Hudson for her durable yet affordable Fabletics.
The group comes together once again for some post-field day libations. Alexis, aka the shotgun slinging dolphshark, continues to shine as the season’s break out contestant by fully utilizing the open bar and belligerently rolling around a poster of Nick’s face #AlexisforBachelorette2017. Jaimi apologizes for telling Nick that she had an ex-girlfriend in the last episode stating, “My intention really wasn’t to come off as the lesbian!” Debatable Jaimi considering all you’ve brought to the table so far is your past relationships with women and weird nose piercing, but I digress. Rachel continues to be the classy, intelligent, well-spoken woman that’s clearly too good for Nick and gets the group date rose. The evening gets really uncomfortable when an extremely petty Dominique starts grilling Nick about how she feels like he doesn’t care about her and he’d rather pay attention to other women, to which he wanted to respond with “Wait, I thought you were the intern who kept messing up my Starbucks order?” Instead Nick apologizes that she feels left out, but explains to her that she is one of 20 girlfriends and if she’s already acting like a psycho this early then things probably won’t work out, so she should kindly GTFO. This might come off as a douchebag move to some, however I think his honesty is refreshing. Sending girls he clearly doesn’t have connections with home is better than stringing them along. Although I must admit I would have lived and died to have seen a Corrine vs. Dominique Battle in The Badlands circa Chris Soules’ season (see link below).
Nick can sense all his girlfriends are getting thirsty, so he opts out of a traditional cocktail party for a pool party. This way everyone can get drunk and make out with him like usual except now they can do it half-naked. All the girls take turns licking the sunscreen off Nick’s body which seems like a skin cancer risk for him and an internal cancer risk for the ladies who are ingesting that much SPF. No one said sharing one man would be easy, everyone figured it would be this disturbing.
Speaking of disturbing, here comes batsh*t crazy Corrine! It’s been a solid hour since she last molested seduced Nick, so she does what any put together and successful 24-year-old business woman would do – she sets up a princess castle bounce house in the backyard. Because Nick is Nick he hops into Corrine’s pleasure palace without thinking twice and allows her to dry hump him while all of his other girlfriend’s watch in horror. The disrespect is so real. In the distance Alexis flips them off #AlexisForBachelorette2017.
The other women in the house are not pleased in regards to this PDA. Meanwhile Corrine is very pleased with herself and rewards herself with another nap. It’s now official that Corrine isn’t human, she is a slutty sloth. I can’t get over this strong feeling that Corrine missed her true calling of being a contestant on VH1’s Rock of Love. Brett Michaels would’ve loved her.
Like a true teacher, Vanessa is not going let this behavior slide any longer, “I am not mad at Corrine. I blame Nick for Nick’s actions and I’m not afraid to approach him.” She sits Nick down and chews his Furby lookin’ butt out with no mercy. She tells him it’s funny that they had such a great date and he claims he’s looking for love yet he continues to f*ck around with a girl like Corrine. Honestly Vanessa, just run. You’re my final rose pick but I don’t even care. He’s not worthy, none of us are. JUST RUN.
ABC hits us with another To Be Continued… and we have to wait yet another week for answers to our pending questions – Did Vanessa make Nick pee his pants? Did anyone save Corrine’s nanny who was most definitely crushed while setting up the bouncy house? Will Alexis yell “screw it” and make out with Chris B Harrison?
Until next time! Besos Xx.
Be sure to share this with fellow Bachelor fans and catch up with my week 1 & week 2 recaps if you missed them!