If you didn’t watch last Monday night’s new episode of The Bachelor because you were too busy watching the college sports championship have no fear because this is the only recap you’ll need to read!
GROUP DATE 1 – “You may now kiss
the bride everyone!”
Week 2 starts with a group date card that reads “Always the bridesmaid…” and we discover that a dozen girls will be taking part in a bridal photoshoot with Nick Viall. The date was less a photoshoot and more of a PSA on how trench mouth is spread, but more on that later…
Vanessa, Sarah, Alexis, Hailey, Lacey, Brittany, Jasmine G, Raven, Danielle L, Taylor, Elizabeth W and Platinum Vagine Corrine take a caravan of Buick convertibles to a mansion that isn’t the Bachelor mansion but looks just like the Bachelor mansion. I can’t make fun of Buick because my mom owns an Encore and I can honestly tell you that they’ve really stepped up their car game. Chic design and their customer service is superb because it’s catered to old people. ANYWAYS, the ladies congregate in the backyard to meet Nick and the photographer – an eccentric, fashionable man named Franco, who isn’t James Franco but looks just like James Franco. Franco says that the woman who has the most chemistry with Nick during their photoshoot will get a special prize, which I hope is the fantastic man romper he’s wearing. If I were there, I would steal it right off his gangly body and rock it as my new Sunday Funday uniform.
My favorite photoshoot of the day was Alexis. She put on a pregnancy suit, wrapped her legs around Nick’s neck and screamed curse words at him while aiming a shotgun in his face. I love Vanessa, but the 80s theme made her look like George from The Wedding Singer. After one of the women got bold and macked Nick during her photoshoot EVERYONE started swapping saliva with him, even the bridesmaids. Think of sloppy seconds, then thirds, then fourths, then fifths, etc. “Tastes like Danielle!” The whole thing makes me want to gargle bleach in order to feel clean. Brittany is FIRE in her Eve costume, which is essentially hair extensions and bathing suit bottoms covered in plastic leaves from Michaels. She makes me want to get 7 spray tans and never eat again.
Then we have good ol’ Corrine, who was livid that her prude bridal theme required her to wear a skimpy bikini while Brittany got to go topless. The audacity, am I right? No worries because Corrine is an innovator and always gets what she wants. It’s that same kind of initiative she’s used to entrap her live-in slave nanny the past 24 years and force her dad into handing over control of his multi-million dollar company (possible escort service). Corrine takes her top off during her pool photoshoot and has Nick grope her boobs in front of his ten other girlfriends. Also she called her breasts “bosoms” which is weird. It’s a power move on her part, and although the other girls were perfectly fine and cheering when he was playing tonsil hockey with everyone and their mother they draw the line when Nick gets to grab Corrine’s fun bags (Side note – did anyone else notice Nick’s boner check before he got out of the pool?) To the shock and dismay of everyone the photographer announces Corrine as the winner. The happy couple runs out to their Buick convertible and ride off into the sunset while the other girls snarl in disapproval. “I think my dad would be proud of me even though I got naked.” Well said, Corrine.
Fast forward a few hours later, the same women from the group date have a cocktail hour with Nick. Nothing interesting happens besides Corrine stealing Nick away from other girls to make out with him and honestly I’m glad she did. No one knows how to have a decent substantial conversation. Granted, neither can Corrine hence all she does is suck Nick’s face. The biggest drama occurs when Corrine steals Nick from Taylor then Taylor comes back and steals Nick from Corrine. Corrine does not like the taste of her own medicine, probably because she doesn’t like any medicine besides the Xanax she’s heavily sedated on, so she confronts Taylor. As a mental health counselor Taylor struggles to interact with Corrine because she’s another level of manipulative crazy and she’s not being paid by the hour to deal with this nonsense. Nick rejoins the group, picks up the rose and says “I could find a reason to give this rose to each and every one of you, that being said Corrine will you accept this rose?” Translation – tits out for the roses, tits out for the roses. Everyone is shocked and offended, rightfully so. Nick isn’t really doing much to redeem his reputation from the two seasons of The Bachelorette when he came off as a douche nozzle. At the same time I think these ladies need to step their game up and the next time Corrine tries to “steal him for a minute” someone should deck her in the face, or like, just tell her no.
ONE ON ONE DATE
Next is one-on-one date with Danielle M. that includes all the components of The Bachelor Cliché Date Starter Kit: a helicopter ride, a Jacuzzi on a private yacht and a romantic candle lit dinner that they aren’t allowed to eat. All in all the date is pretty boring because, again, Nick struggles to have a normal conversation. The closest we get to any depth is when Nick bravely opens up about his struggle of having his heartbroken on national television by women he knew for a month. Danielle M responds by describing her own experience with heartbreak when she lost her fiancé to an overdose. Nick thinks, “Well, I’m an asshole” and panics, saying that he doesn’t feel different about her because of what happened in the past and she shouldn’t feel embarrassed because she loved her fiancé and love is good. Wow great conversation there, Bachelor. Danielle is too sweet and excited that she’s on the first one-on-one date to care about his stupid response, so she is over-joyed to accept his rose. I’m over something too – Nick being an asshat.
LIZ IS LOSING HER SHIZ
Meanwhile at the Mansion, it’s been two days and although Liz has reiterated to the camera over 50 times that she and Nick did in fact hook up at Jade and Tanner’s wedding she can no longer hold in her secret. She must come clean to someone in the house and fan girl Christen is the perfect audience. Christen listens intently as Liz goes into extensive detail about her encounter with Nick, so extensive it took three different outfit changes to cover all the bases. Christen salivates and eats this hot gossip up like its Velveeta macaroni and cheese. She swears to Liz she won’t tell anyone. I give her one commercial break.
GROUP DATE 2 – LIZ CONTINUES TO LOSE HER SHIZ
The second group date includes Liz and Christen along with several other irrelevant girls who won’t make it past week 4. They’re going to The Museum of Broken Relationships…honestly? Out of all the museums in Los Angeles? I wish they were going to the La Brea tar pits and Nick would tell them that whoever wants the date rose would have to save it from the pit using only old PE equipment to navigate over the liquid asphalt. A girl can dream.
After moseying around this stupid museum it’s revealed that this date is going to entail the women improvising a fictional breakup with Nick. Josephine really commits to character and slaps Nick across the face with no warning. It was a bold move considering they haven’t spoken since she walked out of the limo and force-fed him a hot dog. The date comes to a head when Liz walks onto the stage with a stack of note cards which is never a good sign. “It started in a hotel lobby,” Nick wishes she was quoting a lyric from R.Kelly’s Ignition, she isn’t. She airs out their dirty laundry in a not-so-fictional breakup(?) in front of the entire group date. I think Nicky Boy is on the same page as me – wishing I had four hands, so I could cover both my eyes and ears at the same time because it’s just as painful to watch as it is to hear. Instead he’s left having to stand their awkwardly as Liz talks about how they were wrapped up in the moment the night of their friend’s wedding (because JIC you forgot, they met at a wedding) and how the next morning she was unsure and scared because she had been hurt before…blah, blah, blah, bullsh*t. She then says she hopes he’ll fight for the other women like she wishes he would’ve fought for her, because apparently someone asking for your number is not trying hard enough. In the audience, Christen is losing her mind while the other girls are just like “heh…what’s going on?” because they’re as perceptive as bricks in a wall. When Liz is finally done being emotionally slutty she laughs like a psycho and hugs Nick, who is seriously contemplating throwing her off the stage. Liz is proud of herself for being open and honest. I’m proud of me for not changing the channel.
Following the Shakespearean hell that conspired that afternoon, the women and Nick congregate for yet another cocktail hour. Have I already pointed out that I would thrive on this show? Because with this many open bars I 100% would. Jaimi, aka nasal balls from episode 1, tells Nick that her last relationship was with a woman. Nick is chill about her being bi then starts joking with her saying, “should I be worried about you swooping on one of these girls?” and Jaimi laughs and says no, but considering how Nick’s doing so far I wouldn’t be surprised if some of these girls decide to switch teams. Then Nick talks with Christen and it takes her all about 5 seconds to spill the beans that she knows that he had sex with Liz. Nick remains calm, but his furrowing curly brows are telling. He is pissed. He and Liz sit down for a little chat that’s eerily similar to their conversation on night one except Nick is clearly sick of her excuses. He tells her straight up that the more he talks to her the more apparent it is that they don’t have a connection and that there’s no chance at a future, so she should kindly GTFO. It’s cut throat and for the first time in a long time I’m back on Team Nick. He escorts Liz and her tragic romper out to the limo then sends her off to a place where we never have to listen to her rant about her affair with Nick ever again! The relief is short-lived as Nick walks back to the group and tells them that he sent Liz home, then he starts coming clean about their past. The women are shocked. The screen goes black – “To be continued…”
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Until next time! Besos Xx.
Missed last week’s recap? Read it here -https://wordpress.com/post/annatries.com/4