Well ladies and gents, the long wait is over…Bachelor Mondays are back and we finally get to witness a guy, who looks like the child of Ryan Reynolds and a chia pet, search for love, hide his stutter and avoid humiliation for the fourth time.
I’ve watched the series on and off for years, but surprising enough this is my first time watching a full season beginning to end. And since I never heard back from the casting department in regards to my application and the 6 minute video I submitted to be a contestant (still salty about it btw) I figured I’d blog my way through! So strap in and get ready to be severely hung over at work every Tuesday for the next two months, because it’s going to be the most dramatic season yet.
For those of you who don’t know – Nick Viall (pronounced like vile; as in awful, wretched, the worst) is the new Bachelor. I use the term “new” loosely because he’s been a contestant in two seasons of The Bachelorette as well as a season Bachelor in Paradise. I won’t go too deep into his history, but what you should know is that in the two seasons of the Bachelorette he was a bit of a douche canoe and he had his heart broken on both occasions. On BIP he turned it around, becoming a surprising voice of reason and one of the crowd favorites. That didn’t change the fact that everyone lost their minds in September when Nick was revealed as the next Bachelor. It was a plot twist no one saw coming and to say there were mixed reactions would be putting it lightly, but ABC knows us better than we know ourselves…they knew America needed one more season to bathe in a pool of Nick Viall’s tears.
A new development this season is that ESPN created an official Bachelor Fantasy League because it wasn’t obvious enough that The Bachelor is the female equivalent of football. The Fantasy League has already proven to be a blessing and a curse. A blessing because it gives an interactive game play element and competitive edge Bachelor Nation has been craving. A curse because I pre-gamed with sake bombs for the premiere and got into a heated argument with my best friends about what level of stalking on social media is considered cheating. This led to yelling, a few tears and the purchase of “I’m sorry” candy. I wish I was joking. This is why I don’t do sports.
The premiere begins with the introduction of Nick, aka the sexiest Brillo head since Corey Matthews on Boy Meets World. He immediately reminds us that he struggles to make full and clear sentences when he has to retake saying “Hi my name is Nick and I’m the Bachelor” FOUR TIMES…It’s going to be a long season, folks. Enter a strategic cut to him running around Chicago shirtless then sensually rubbing his body in the shower. Nick then gets a pep talk from his 14-year-old sister about how he needs to treat the ladies right and work on his incessant mumbling. Cue all of America collectively yelling “THANK YOU!” He also gets a pep talk from four former Bachelors which was underwhelming, but can I just ask real quick why does anyone need/want relationship advice from Chris Soules? His engagement was called off a minute after cameras stopped rolling and 3 years later he’s still living alone on his farm in BFIowa.
Nick pulls up to the Bachelor mansion for the 100th time and is greeted by the GOAT, Chris Harrison. At this point Nick should just move in as a full-time resident. I’m sure they’d let him stay for free in exchange for house chores like keeping the bags of wine on tap, trimming the rose bushes and sanitizing the hot tub. Chris keeps it short and sweet, his way of indirectly saying “I would give you more crap but I have a feeling these 30 women will give you plenty, so I’m just going to sit back and watch the hot mess express take off.”
MEMORABLE LIMO ARRIVALS
Danielle L. is the first out of the limo. She has a contagious smile that you barely notice due to the black dress that plunges down to her belly button. Starting the journey with a whole lotta cleavage, I respect it. *Stalks Danielle on Instagram to find where to buy this dress.**
Rachel is an attorney and from the get go I am going to call that she’s far too intelligent and normal to be with Nick, primarily because I don’t think he has a job besides being a serial dater and taking selfies. She makes a reference to setting up her fantasy team because men like sports.
Christen knows way too much about The Bachelor. I mean, yeah, of course every girl in these limos has binge-watched the past 8 seasons and stalked Nick extensively on social media, but at least they’re subtle about it. I give her props for taking a risk with the yellow gown, however she looks like a freshman who was asked to prom by a senior and is sticking out like a sore thumb. To top it off she does a dance with a fan and it isn’t cute.
Taylor is a mental health counselor. I’m going to bet she’s on this show so she can publish a study on the neurosis of women who think they’ll find love on reality dating shows (guilty). She is gorgeous and comes off as fiercely confident. I say that because within 5 seconds of meeting Nick she tells him to his face that her friends told her not to go on the show because he’s a piece of shit, and for that reason I hope and pray she makes it to hometowns.
Lauren is a pretty blonde who tells Nick she has a horrible last name too – Hussey, so their last names, Viall and Hussey, put together would make a “disgusting slut.” I nearly spit out my wine.
Ida Marie is wearing a two piece cobalt blue lace gown with a nude underlay that is GIVING ME LIFE. She then does a trust fall into Nick’s arms. I kind of wish he dropped her for entertainment purposes.
Sarah jogs up to The Bachelor mansion in sneakers and a dress. Major kudos to her because I can’t even do that in the proper active wear without nearly killing myself. She says “I thought you’d like to meet another runner up.” Nick gives her a bright smile. Our viewing party all let’s out an “awwww.” Not sure if it was actually cute or it’s just the second bottle of Pinot.
Jasmine G. came in with Nick’s own version of Voldemort, Neil Lane. Don’t worry, he’s just there because Jasmine wants to show Nick the rings she picked out for when he ends up proposing. She’s letting her crazy flag fly right out of the gates. It’s a bold strategy Cotton, let’s see how it works out for her.
Hailey asks Nick “What would a girl wearing underwear say?” He responded, “I don’t know.” She flirtatiously says, “Neither do I.” Subtle as a flying brick, Hails.
Astrid asks Nick an inappropriate question about her breasts and says something about sex in German. Do none of these women care what their grandparents will think of them after watching this show? Nick just nods and smiles because he has no idea what she’s saying, but he’s into it.
Liz is a doula who had a casual one night stand with Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. This is Grade A pot stirring material. She steps out of the limo and he awkwardly smiles. There’s a hint of awareness in his eyes, however he also seems unsure and confused. They hug and it’s uncomfortable. He doesn’t ask for her name. She says “It’s good to see you.” I feel like he knows.
Nick confirms with Chris Harrison- he knows her name his Liz and they’ve boned. I am screaming.
Corrine lives with her parents in a Miami penthouse and has her own nanny who serves her freshly chopped cucumbers on demand. Rough life. But don’t be quick to judge her, she runs her father’s multi-million dollar company! She also has a look in her eyes that reads “Give me what I want or I will rip your skin off and wear it as a coat.”
Vanessa’s dress is black with a bizarre white coiled pattern. Don’t know how to feel about it. She’s a special needs teacher who speaks four different languages, so it doesn’t really matter what I think about her dress because she’s a better human than I will ever be. Another woman who is clearly too good for Nick.
Danielle M is a tall, skinny, bubbly blonde with a trendy haircut. She’s a neonatal nurse and makes Nick lick maple syrup off her fingers. She’ll go far in this competition.
Raven, my pick for first impression rose, comes out in a beige sparkly gown and screams “Woo Pig Souie.” It’s obnoxious yet enduring. She’s a typical country girl and is freaking adorable, I stand by my decision. Don’t let me down Raven!
Jaimi says something about big balls, flips up her nose so her nostrils are exposed and shows Nick the balls of her nose piercing. Leads me to believe that this pickup line must’ve worked in the past for her and I’m concerned. Also I don’t trust nor appreciate the spelling of her name.
Next is a montage of girls too boring to show their full first impression. Including a nurse who listens to his heart, which lost me 10 points in fantasy because I figured no woman would be THAT unoriginal to whip out their stethoscope. Bitter…
One of the girls in the montage is Josephine, who in the initial introductions was shown petting her cat and meowing at him. I feel like Josephine and I would get along well IRL. She tells Nick he is “A wiener in her book” then opens a book with a hot dog in it. She chomps it down with Nick on the other end. Think Lady and the Tramp but with pork products. She won’t make it past week 3, but she’ll be a good time.
50% of the girls are wearing red dresses. Clearly they all took notes from Jojo’s rose ceremony dress after her disastrous hometown date during Ben’s season. I think we all know that dress alone is why Ben was able to look past her psychotic family and take her onto the fantasy suites.
Lacey shows up on a camel giving me 10 points in fantasy, thank you Lace. Her intro line is “I heard you like to hump, so do I,” reminding us all yet again that Nick is a notorious man whore, because it hasn’t been obvious enough up until this point.
Last, but certainly not least, we have Alexis who is a shark with an identity crisis. She thinks she’s a dolphin but is clearly disturbed. I enjoy her originality and commitment. And honestly at this point I bet most of those girls wearing red dresses wish they were in a shark costume with heels instead.
“CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR YOU A MINUTE” COCKTAIL HOUR
In the interest of saving time I’m just going to touch base on the highlights of the night –
Rachel, the civil litigation lawyer, has an engaging conversation with Nick about football and work. I’m sure he can already tell she’s way too smart and respectable for a relationship to ever work out between them, so naturally he gives her the first impression rose because, duh, he’s masochist.
Corrine shows off her insufferable stubbornness and insanity early on by interrupting several of Nick’s conversations with the other ladies. She also forcibly shoves her tongue down his throat, not to the pleasure of Nick or the viewers who have to witness it. She brags about getting the first kiss of the night, meanwhile Nick is begging the producers to let him send her home and they’re like “absolutely not. We’re letting this sh*t storm brew, Nicky poo.”
Some of the women voice concerns about how they don’t think they’ll have time with Nick during the cocktail hour. Jasmine G even starts crying about it. I don’t know if Nick is more stressed about not having enough time to talk to all the women or that he doesn’t have enough time between takes to throw back some shots to maintain a decent buzz. Who can blame him? Trying to talk to 30 desperate women sober would just be a nightmare.
Dolphin/shark girl is lounging by the pool, screeching mating calls into the night when Nick swings by to talk to her. They argue about what sea creature she is then Nick tells her if she takes off the costume she will go home, which makes me wonder if this could be a fetish thing for Nick? Only time will tell…
The best encounter of the night without a doubt is the conversation between Nick and Liz. Basically we find out that Nick actually liked getting to know Liz at J&T’s wedding (which she was the maid of honor at). He says he’s confused why she’s a contestant because after they did the deed he asked for her number the next morning and she didn’t give it to him, so he figured she wasn’t interested. Aka Liz is a f*ccboi. She spews some lame excuse about how she wanted to contact him but didn’t know how. Nick shuts her down saying that she could’ve gotten his number from Jade. DRAG HER NICK! Things end awkwardly and Liz’s chances for a rose are looking slim.
The following recieve roses:
- Rachel – attorney with first impression rose
- Vanessa – the bi-lingual special needs teacher
- Danielle L. – more cleavage, more roses
- Christen – bootleg Princess Belle
- Corrine – Daddy’s Million Dollar Baby
- Astrid – talks dirty in foreign languages
- Jasmine G – tears and Neil Lane
- Raven – WOO PIGGY SUE
- Kristina – I don’t think she spoke once
- Danielle M -sticky fingers
- Sarah – literal runner up
- Jospehine – made out with a hot dog, and forced Nick to join her
- Lacey – Mike, guess what day it is? HUMP DAAAY
- Taylor – her friends hate Nick
- Alexis – Dolphshark
- Hailey – Ms. Commando
- Whitney – No idea who she is TBH
- Dominique – No recollection…
- Jaimi – Nasal balls
- Brittany – looks like she belongs in an early 2000s teen comedy starring Freddie Prinze Jr.
- Liz – I hit it, I hit it, I hit it, I hit it first
Which means 8 irrelevant women were sent home. Surprisingly Lauren, the woman who told Nick her last name and his combined made a disgusting slut, was sent packing even though she seemed on even keel with the rest of the disasters who received roses. She left the mansion crying, saying to the cameras “He didn’t want me, but I’m going to make a great girlfriend someday.” Maybe if you find a better pickup line sweetheart.
Until next time!